Frustration.

If it is possible for every ounce of who you are to be frustrated, then that's who I've become.  My life totally sucks right now, and I'm about to blow.  I can barely keep myself together anymore.  I take that back.  I can't keep myself together.  I've had 2 melt downs this week.  I'm tired.  I'm grumpy.  I'm mad.  I'm sad.  But above all, I'm frustrated.  Frustrated with work.  Frustrated with family.  Frustrated with the second job I've temporarily picked up.  Frustrated with softball.  (Thank God it's over).  Frustrated with the people I play softball with.  Frustrated because now school has started.  Frustrated that I have very little to no time for me.  Frustrated that I barely have time to run.  Frustrated that when I do have time to run all I want to do is sit.  Sit and watch tv.  Sit and eat a meal.  Sit to just sit, breath, think, relax, cope.  I'm frustrated that my move out date has been moved 5 different times.  Most of all, I'm frustrated that I'm so frustrated.

To make it worse, I'm developing insecurity and body image issues.  Something is definitely going on with me.  I think all my frustration is stemming from a couple of different things and it's just creating this avalanche effect on my life.  And I'm bummed.  Bummed that I'm feeling this way.

So to my very few (but very important) readers, I have a prayer request.  I need Him to help me and guide me through this difficult time.  I need Him to help me make important decisions.  Most importantly, I need Him.  I need to feel Him working in my life.  I need to feel His love.  I need to know that I'm not in this alone.


I haven't blogged in forever, and my first one back is a total bummer, but I needed to get this off my chest.  I don't really want to talk about it, and I needed to write it.  But most of all, I need the prayers.

When Did Being Nice Make Me Desperate?

When did being nice begin as a lead on?  It seems like I can't even talk to a guy anymore without the assumption (on his part) that there is something lying beneath the friendliness.  At what point did I become desperate?  Because that's the way it's making me feel.  Why can't two single people have a conversation without a participant or observer thinking it could be the start of a budding romance?  It's hard enough being single, but worse to feel singled out.

And when did Facebook become a suitable outlet in asking someone out?  Or even text messaging?  If it's not an option to do in person or if there is fear in asking that person face to face, when did it become so hard to pick up the phone?  It's not even like you have to grab the cordless and run away into your room to have some privacy.  It's more like whip out the cell phone from your back pocket and call wherever you are.  I absolutely love technology.  I'm all about the social networking and blogging.  But I guess when it comes to love and dating, I'm a romantic.  I want to be pursued.  I want to be called and seen in person.  I want him to make a little effort.

I feel like I have a big red S for SINGLE written on my forehead.  I run into an old friend, and we catch up.  All of a sudden I feel like I need to make it clear I'm not interested in being anything more, because I'm not sure what he's thinking about our reconnected friendship.  Is it an assumption on my part that he wants something more?  Is it better for me to make it clear right off the bat?  Or should I say nothing and let it run it's course?  I meet a guy that I think could be someone fun to hang out with.  Then he's got to ruin it by saying we should have dinner.  Is this a casual friend dinner or this a lead into "I want this to be something more" dinner?  There's a fine line.

When did being single become so complicated?  I'm not necessarily on the prowl.  I don't think "could he be the one?" with every guy I meet.  I'm just trying to go through life, minding my own business, and hopefully pick someone up along the way.  All these assumptions on other people's parts isn't making this independent soul searching experience any more easy or fun.  Just because I go out to the bar, doesn't mean I'm looking to get picked up.  Maybe I really do just want to have a beer.  Just because I'm friendly, doesn't mean I'm interested.  Maybe I really am just looking for friendship or an acquaintance.  Maybe I'm not looking for anything at all and am just simply trying to make conversation!

I am really starting to feel desperate.  All because why?  Other people are making me feel that way?  Because maybe I am a little lonely and I'm letting them get into my head?  I do feel like a target though.  All my friends have someone.  All my family has someone.  I'm going to be 27, and I'm like the only single person I know.  I'm fine being single, but when did it start becoming so lonely?

Not As Good As I Once Was...

When I started playing softball again, I quickly learned I was not as good as I once was.  How could I not be good at slowpitch, when I was great at fastpitch?  I guess when you take a few years off, don't practice for hours during the week, and play tournaments every weekend, your skills tend to downgrade a bit.  I'm going to admit that I am still good, because hey, it's the truth.  I'm just not as great as I used to be.

I don't learn like I used to either.  It seemed like I could learn anything, and the learning process just seemed to come naturally.  I don't know if it's what I'm learning now, or if I really don't learn things as quickly as I used to.  Whatever it is, I've definitely noticed I just don't learn the way I used to.

I've never really been too concerned with my weight, until about 2 years ago when I got on this healthy lifestyle kick.  I need to lose like 10 pounds.  That is my goal.  For two reasons: one - I've gained some weight, and I want to get back to a comfortable place.  Two:  I need to know I can go it.  I exercise regularly, and I watch what I eat already.  I've been trying to lose weight for a good at least 6 months, and it hasn't happened.  I'm getting super frustrated.  My cousin said to me the other day, "I stopped eating out, and now I only drink half a Coke, and I've lost like a ton of weight."  Umm...that's cool.  I rarely eat out, and when I do I watch my intake, and I never drink soda.  If eating right and exercise are the keys to losing weight, why hasn't it worked for me???  It's made me notice, my body doesn't function the way it used to.  I've already gotten to that point where losing weight is hard.  When did that happen?!!  I'm not even 30!

Growing up and older, I can deal with.  It's not all that bad.  Good things will happen in my future.  What is bad, is realizing I'm not as good as I once was....with a lot of things.  Good thing I know when some skills slowly decline, other skills will rise.  Still, it's a little disappointing.

It Can't Be Me.

Sometimes I feel like all I write about are boys, loneliness, being single, and the fact that I have no "other." I'll warn you...I'm continuing with that today.

There was a good period where I liked being independent.  I liked the time to get to know my parents again.  I liked living at home and saving money.  I liked doing what I want, when I want.  I liked not having to care about someone else's feelings.  I liked having very little responsibility.  I don't have to worry about getting nervous, going on dates, the "Is he going to kiss me or not?" moments.  I don't have to worry about getting dropped off at home with barking dogs, if my parents are up wondering when I'm going to get home, where we would go to be alone and hang out.  There is so much about dating, that I'm glad I'm not.

But there are little things that really make me wonder.  One, is the fact that the ex is still dating the girl he left me for.  How is this possible?  He is NOT a good catch.  I don't even know what I was thinking when I dated him.  How does he have someone and I do not?  I am an AMAZING catch.  Seriously.  People are lucky to know me!  Two, how do high maintenance, ugly, mean, bitchy girls go on dates and get in relationships?  I can't even find one decent guy to look at me longer than 2 seconds.  Three, where do you even meet people?  I joined like 5 different softball teams.  I have an amazing group of friends, who are all married, and only know people who are married and relationships. (It seems like anyway).  I go to the bars.  (Even though they are not my favorite places to.  Some free drinks are better than nothing, even if the guy is buying them for the friend that I'm with).

Still, I think there just comes a point, where you begin to think "It must be me."  But I know it's not.  I know who I am, and what I have to offer.  I know that any guy would be lucky to have me.  I know the value of what I am worth.  I don't come cheap.  I know that.  It's just going to take the right guy.  I know that.  I can't sit around hoping he will come and find me.  I know that.  I've been doing all I can to keep busy, have fun, worry about myself, and just keep my mind off of being lonely.  I know the he will come into my life when the time is right.  I know that he's going to be everything I want and hope for and more.  I know that.

It brings me peace knowing he hasn't found me yet either.  I wonder where he is, what he's doing, and if he ever wonders when he will find me.  There's something romantic about knowing that our worlds will collide when the moment is right.

Church.

     My family never regularly attended church.  Both my parents were raised Catholic, and both had stopped attending regularly when their parents didn't make them go.  When they wanted to get married, a Catholic priest would not marry them, because they didn't attend church and practice their religion regularly.  This really offended my mom and turned her against the Catholic religion.
     As young children, my sister and I were both baptized as Christians.  We would attend church every so often with my aunt, uncle and cousins.  We never really spoke much about religion in my house, and any questions I had I would always talk to my aunt.  In middle school, I started regularly attending a youth group with some friends.  It was more of a social gathering, than something I really did for myself.
     I've always felt I have a good relationship with God.  I never questioned His existence.  I've always prayed throughout my life.  I always knew and continue to know He is looking over me.  For about the past 3 years, I've really started to feel like I need more of Him in my life.  I've never felt comfortable in church, so I've always avoided going.  I think a lot of what I didn't like, was that I didn't understand it.  When I attended as a child, I found it to be boring and to take forever.  Worship kinda made me uncomfortable.  I prefer to be close to God in private.
     When we started going to PBR events, we would go to the church services held in the arena Sunday mornings.  In one small section of this huge arena is a small handful of people worshiping God.  It's become one of my favorite parts of the PBR.  I really love that you feel the presence of God in that big arena.  Being able to sit next to and pray with your favorite bull rider, really makes you feel closer to them as individuals.  It's like you feel the struggles they deal with out on the road, being away from their families, the temptations, and putting their lives on the line.  I would always leave PBR church feeling good, refreshed, content, and optimistic.  It made me realize I need more of church in my life.
     Today, I attended Harvest Church with my sister.  I've been meaning to go for the past few months.  I could just never bring myself to get out of bed Sunday mornings.  I am so glad I did.  I realized that church is what I've been missing.  I think so deeply about everything, so church is actually kind of an emotional place for me to be.  It's an overwhelming feeling of faith, love, and understanding.  To be around people who care so deeply and believe whole-heartedly in Him.  When they raise their hands to Him.  When they sing to Him.  When we pray to Him.  Speak to Him.
     I felt comfortable.  I felt welcomed.  I felt Him in my heart.

Missed Connections.

You guys are going to think I am totally lame, but hear me out.  First, let me start in defense for myself.  I browse Craigslist all the time.  I like to keep in the know of the cost of rent, what's out there to rent, even some of the homes they have posted for sale.  I'm always curious to see what kind of jobs are available.  Maybe I could get a part time job in my free time.  (What free time)??  I like looking at the animals for sale or free to a good home.  I like browsing through the furniture to see what kind of great deal I could get.  My sister got her kitchen table for 100 bucks.  One man's trash is another man's treasure, and I love DIY projects.

The other day I was looking at the CL "home page."  I never really pay much attention to the left side of the page, cause really "personals" kinda creep me out.  But there's a section called "missed connections," that I felt compelled to click on.  What does that even mean?  Missed connections?  So, I clicked it.

It's kinda creepy, kinda heartwarming, kinda sad, kinda hopeful, kinda weird, kinda endearing.  Have you ever checked it out?  I'm assuming not.  People basically post their interest in getting to know someone.  For example:  Saw you at _____ on ____.  You were wearing _____.  We spoke for a few minutes about _____.  I felt there was a connection there.  Did you feel it too?  

There was another that I thought was actually pretty thoughtful.  A guy posted something about a girl who was totally drunk or drugged out (can't remember), that he was concerned about.  He had helped her out of the bar and into a car.  He didn't know who she was and he was basically just concerned that she made it home safely and was...well, alive.

I'm gonna go on the hopeful assumption that not all the people who post those threads are total creepers. In that light, it makes it much more romantic.  Haven't we all had those random run-ins with someone, where you're just kicking yourself later?  It is really hard to meet new people, especially single people.  There aren't a whole lot of options for those looking for love.

Of course some of them are totally inappropriate.  It just makes me feel less alone.  I am surrounded by people who have someone.  It puts my little heart at ease knowing other people are lonely too, that I'm not the last single person in the world (when sometimes it feels like it).  It gives me hope in a time when so much of the world is negative, so much in my life is negative, so much in my head is negative.  It puts a little smile on my face when realizing, we all want to love and be loved in return.

Moving Along.

I far too often worry about life.  I feel like everyone else's lives are moving forward, and mine is at a constant standstill.  Of course looking back I can list multiple changes that have occurred, proving I am moving right along at my own consistent pace.

I guess lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed with a lot of things on my plate.  I think some of it has to do with the stresses of starting a new job.  My hours are a bit longer.  I'm adjusting to a new rate of pay, a new office, a new atmosphere, new work, a new boss, etc.  I'm super excited about this new opportunity, and I really think I'm going to love it.  This change is good.  It's positive.  It's definitely a step in the right direction.

School is going good, but I'm ready for a vacation.  I'm considering taking a class in summer school, but the break really would be nice.  I've got a B in the class, and that's good enough for me.  It's sad to say, I don't really care much about the grade, just as long as I pass.  I just need to make it through getting my AA.  It's going to be a tough battle.  But with each semester that passes, I am that much closer.  It's coming along slowly, but it's coming along.

I'm also currently taking my Hunter's Safety Course online.  It's looming over my head.  I really don't want to do it, but I need to get it done and out of the way...only to have to take my Bow Hunter's Safety Course after that!  Ugh.  My dad signed my mom, sister and I all up for the Hunter's Safety Course when my sister and I were in elementary school.  My sister and mom finished the course then, but I was too little and would fall asleep in class.  Needless to say I never enrolled or completed it, which is way I'm paying for it now!  It's just one more thing to worry about.  It's just more work to do.  I will be so glad when it's done though.  I will never have to do it again!

I haven't been sleeping well at night either.  I think it's all of everything in my mind keeping me up.  It's the mental list I go over in my head.  It's the anticipation of my alarm, so I'm not late to my new job.  It's the pressure of knowing I need rest, because I feel like I'm fighting getting sick.

Even though sometimes it feels like I'm going nowhere, I think I need to look at it in the opposite.  Maybe I'm just going in so many different directions.  I go from a new job, to hunting, to running, to school, and that's only a few things.  That's not even counting all the in between, random, and every day things.  But maybe this was all I need, to get it off my chest.  To lay it out in front of me.  To vent.  

Tomorrow is a new day.  

Language

This week in my psychology class, we are learning about language.  Coincidently, this little video was on some page that I came across.  

I think it's funny.  They are clearly having  conversation with each other.  I love when things come along like this, when they coincide with what I'm learning.  Makes the lesson all the more memorable!

Association.

You know how sometimes you just get the itch to go out and since our little town closes down by 8:00, really the only places to go out are bars?  Well, that's what my sister and I did last night.  She actually kinda likes going to the bars.  She likes the...diversity.  I guess you can call it, among other things.  We didn't stay long at either of the 2 bars we went to, just enough to get a fix and make an appearance.  I mean, we were home by before midnight.

Of course, you are nearly bound to run into at least one person you know.  We ran into some.  It's funny to me, out of the people you haven't seen in awhile, who remembers you and who doesn't.  We ran into 5 guys at one of the bars: 1 we didn't know, 2 were in my sisters grade, 2 were in between our grades.  

I was introduced to the two guys in my sisters grade.  One I remembered well, the other I recognized his face, but couldn't place his name.  One guy in between our grades, I had a crush on in high school.  He said hi to me, and that was pretty much it.  I hate that question, "What have you been up to?"  Working.  What else does anyone do?  And really that's it.  I spend most of my life at work, and I'm not going to go in detail about my personal life.  I'm sure he's only asking to be polite anyway.  Besides, I really didn't  care to catch up with him.  The other guy in between our grades, I know.  We aren't friends.  He's just a friend of a friend.  I don't know that we've ever been formally introduced, but he should definitely know my name kind of thing.

I saw two of the guys whispering out of the corner of my eye, and then I get an "Oh, you dated B." (Or something like that, I can't recall how it was exactly said, but the name was mentioned).  Ugh.  Here it goes.  I hate that comment.  Yes, we dated.  Now, it's over.  I have nothing against the guy.  We dated when I was young and at a completely different place in my life.  He is not someone I would ever date at this time of my life.  It was a long time ago.  I am a not the same person.  I really, don't want to ever be associated with him.

But I know it happens, we were together a long time.  Still, it haunts me.  I kinda turned away from the conversation, because I didn't want to talk about it.  But later the guy gave me a little half hug, so I think he understood I didn't want to go there.  I was kinda glad he felt he knew me well enough to do that.  He should.  I mean, I've actually known the guy for years, just not directly. 

It's hard to say too, what kind of capacity people are in when you're at the bar.  Maybe the person you run into is drunk already, and in that case would have a hard time remembering you.  Maybe, they are the designated driver and would remember you clearly.  Maybe, they really do recognize your face and not your name.  You just never know how or why or even if people will remember you at all.  

Risky Business.

I am not a risk taker. I am really cautious, always playing it safe. I like to know, not guess or be unsure. There's a quote that I often think about.  I'm not even sure who said it, but it goes "If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything." This applies to my life in so many different areas. School - I never decided on a route to take, because no route felt sure. Why couldn't I just choose a path and run with it? See it through, and see where it takes me. Moving out - I'm so afraid to live paycheck to paycheck again. I make enough money, so why don't I just do it? Finances will be tight, but it's doable. God has a way of providing in every way, shape, form, need, whatever. Why am I so afraid to risk, when I know He will catch me if I fall?

I always wait for things to be right, and I don't feel like I've done much of anything in my life. Other people may not see it as that way, but what matters is how I see it. I want great things for my life. Great success involves great risk. I haven't risked anything for success in anything. I know that trying and failing is better than never having tried at all. So why can't I just do it?  Whatever it is.

Trapped.

Maybe it's the negative mood I've been in the past few weeks that has me feeling this way.  I usually try to stay as far away from politics as possible, and I'm hoping to continue that with this post.  But I'm feeling really concerned for my future, in a multitude of ways.

Financially. The cost of goods is rising rapidly, but it's not like anyone is making more money.  The expenses of living are becoming unaffordable.  I've been told I just need to work hard and do my best.  But that's what I have been doing.  All I do is work hard and do my best.  The economy has stumped any growth.  I'm feeling like my best isn't good enough.

I don't see light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it's there, but I don't see it.  They say the economy is turning, but from what I see, people are still losing their jobs, their insurance, their homes, their lives.

I guess in  a way I am lucky, because I don't have much to lose.  I have a family who loves me, cares for me, and will provide for me if need be.  They put a roof over my head and food on the table, and for that I am thankful.  Some people are so much less fortunate.

Still, it leaves me little hope to lead the life I've dreamed of.  I don't see myself owning a home anytime soon.  Even though I am nowhere close to starting a family, the idea of supporting one in times like these scares me.  And I'm going to be 27 this year, it's not my parents job to still support me.  But we almost don't have much of a choice.  I can't afford to move out.  My employer doesn't provide me insurance.  What other options do I have?

I don't know how people do it.  I really don't.  I ask myself and the people I know all the time, and no one seems to have an answer.  They call it "The Great Recession."  I think the effects on my generation, the generation who's just starting out will be long lasting, just like that of The Great Depression.  

But what I fear for in my generation is their lack of work ethic.  Majority seem to want something for nothing.  I know so many living off the government.  I can't say I blame them, when most live better than I do.  Yet I work for a living and don't get the benefits that they do.  It's so unfair.  And yes, I know that life isn't fair, but since when did common sense get thrown out the window?
I'll keep my head up.  I'll continue to work hard.  I will not lose hope in my future.  I may be feeling trapped now, but that will only add fuel to the fire of my determination.

Someone I'm Not.

I may not be totally sure of who I am, but I am sure of many things I'm not.  I think most people change over a course of a lifetime, but there are some of those people who will never change.  I have people in my life who will and won't change.  I'm glad I'm one of those people who will.

Lately I feel like my self-esteem is taking a beating.  I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to other people, but it's hard not to.  Whether I compare myself for being less of what they are or more of what they are, it's still wrong to compare.  So why can't I seem to stop?  There's a couple of people in particular that I can't seem to shake this competitiveness from. One I know for sure looks down upon me.  This person has their nose so far up in the air, that they think they're above everyone.  So why do I take it personally?  The other is a little more subtle.  And even though this person knows the struggles I've been through and how lost I've been and sometimes continue to be in finding my way, still unconsciously puts me down.  If I know it's unintentional, why does it still bother me?

I am not like either of these people.  To be honest, I don't want to be like them.  I may not have what they have.  I may not present myself the way they do.  I may not make as much money or have as nice of things.  I still work hard.  I still try my best.  I know in some ways, I am better than they are.  I am more caring, compassionate, kind, less judgmental, less assertive, more well rounded and down to earth.

So even though I may be jealous of certain aspects of who they are or what they do, I am not like them.

I am content with who I am.  Sometimes I just wish they could see it too.

Negativity

I'm easily affected by my environment.  

Lately, much of the atmosphere has been stressful, negative, and downright depressing.  

Maybe I need to spend more quality time alone.

Maybe I just need a weekend getaway.

Maybe I need a good long vacation.

I don't really know what it is that I need, but I need something.

Something to make me feel loved and important.

Something to make me feel confident in life.

Something to rejuvenate me from the negativity.

I feel like I've gone astray from the road I want to take.

I need guidance to find my way back.

I trust He will help me.

Culture Crushed

I just read something in my psychology book that really caught my attention.  It stated that if we were to have fallen asleep in 1960 and awoke today, we would find ourselves in a culture where people sleep less, work more, and spend less time with family and friends.

The other day I came across this article. Considering I'm at a time in my life, where I feel like I am never going to get ahead, this is all striking me hard. In 1970, the average worker brought home $312 a week (in 1982 dollars). But in 1970, they didn't have the amount of state, federal and local taxes, medicare, social security, and retirement coming out of their weekly paycheck. These add up to about $100 a week, $400 a month. I currently barely bring home more than that $300 a week.

The cost of housing has gone up nearly 50%. "Remember, that number accounts for inflation, so what that number actually means it that the cost of a home requires 50% more of a person's paycheck than it did in 1970." It's not like I'm making 50% more, so how will I ever afford to own a home that costs 50% more, on the same salary?

Then there are the other necessities of life that have evolved into our lives: a cell phone, computer, internet connection, a vehicle, gas for that vehicle, insurance for that vehicle, etc. I am paying more bills now than they did in the 1970's just to keep me connected. A cell phone used instead of a home phone. A computer with internet connection to use for school or finding employment. Especially in our area where public transportation is nearly a joke, a vehicle is required, but they require maintenance and that adds up.

And then there's education.  Everyone stresses the importance of a good education, but the cost is nearly 30% higher than it was in 1970. That's 30% more debt to pay off on a $300 a week income.

Of course, now we live in a culture where we tend to sleep less, spend time with friends and family less, and to work more.  We have to work more to bring in a higher income to support the demands of a lifestyle we have grown accustomed to. Don't you think it's weird when you run into someone who doesn't own a cell phone or a computer?  It's just not the norm these days. So even though our culture has changed, grown, and become more demanding, the money we earn hasn't increased to sustain this lifestyle of our ever changing culture.

Community

Today has been a miserable day.  It's wet, rainy, cold, windy.  It's all the ingredients for a day consisting of wrapping up in a blanket on the couch and watching old shows on TV Land...or Lifetime movies.  (Don't judge, they're so bad they're good)!  But what I did this afternoon was quite the opposite.

There's a 20 year old girl from Nipomo, who has been diagnosed with a tumor for the second time.  I don't know this girl, but she is a friend of a friend and a friend of relatives.  They were hosting a benefit BBQ for her today, so my sister and I went.  There had to of been 50-60 people waiting in line the entire time we were there.  We were all waiting in the cold, the rain, the wind, and even for a little bit the lightening and thunder.  People were passing around their umbrellas and giving nods of understanding.  We were all out there for one reason, to support Laney.  We bared the weather with no complaint.

I saw cousins, old friends, new friends, acquaintances, and people I didn't expect to see.  I feel so fortunate to live in a community where people come together and help one another.  Where people suffer through miserable conditions for a worthier cause.  It was so heartwarming to be out there, knowing that my little bit of contribution is invaluable to Laney, her family, and friends.

Attainable Goals.

Apparently I'm one of those people who can't plan too far ahead.  I get easily overwhelmed.

I've been thinking a lot about my future and school.  I decided to go back to Hancock, get my AA, and transfer credits, transfer to Denver University and study Media, Film, and Journalism.  Problem is DU is a private school, costing A LOT of money.  

To be a writer, having a degree isn't a requirement.  I didn't think going into a massive amount of debt to go into a field where you don't really even NEED a degree was worth it....(among other reasons).  Ultimately I decided against transferring.  I've decided to stay at Hancock and just get my AA.

Had I of decided to transfer I'd be looking at at least another year and a half at Hancock to finish transfer requirements, then another 2 years at a University.  A lot can happen between now and at least 2 years from now.  

I've never been one to really push for things, because you never know what can happen.  I'm more of a go with the flow kind of person.  Planning to finish at Hancock, then transfer and get a BA, was an overwhelming goal.  I felt like I was setting myself up for disappointment.  I know how I am.  I can't set huge goals like that.  I rarely follow through with them, because they are too extreme for what I feel I can handle.

The point is, I have to remember this about myself.  I need to remember I can only set attainable goals for myself.  I always think big, when in reality, I don't have the "go big" mentality.  I need to take baby steps to reach the bigger picture.  Once those small goals are accomplished, imagine how great that will feel?  Setting small goals, means accomplishing more goals.  Why set one big goal when you can reach many small ones?!

Jennifer Aniston

People need to give the poor girl a break.  Honestly, I feel kinda bad for her.  Just because she hasn't been in a serious relationship since things went sour with Brad Pitt, doesn't mean she's not over him.  It's everyone else that hasn't let it go.  I think she's done just fine on her own.  I think she's totally over him.  I think she just hasn't found the lucky guy who will replace him.

I can relate.  At least she's had rebounds, flings and interests to keep her preoccupied until Mr. Right comes along.  I've had no such luck.  I think there's a few things I can learn from Ms. Aniston.  Keep a positive attitude.  She hasn't given up on love, and neither will I.  She has a better public image than Angelina, because let's face it, she's not the home wrecker, which doesn't say much for Brad either.  So really, she's come out from that one on top.  She has public sentiment, because he broke her heart and their marriage.  I don't doubt that she's lonely.  I'm sure it's painful to have Brad and Angelina's relationship flung all over the tabloids and constantly rubbed in her face, but she keeps a strong image.  She's never bad mouthed either of them and has gracefully picked up the pieces and moved on.

Even though I haven't found my Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, I, like Jenn, am just content to be me.  I know that it will happen when it will happen.  There's no need to rush or search for what will come when it's meant to be.

An Education's Worth.

Everyone always tells me how important getting an education is, but in this economy it doesn't really matter.  People with major degrees are working low end jobs, if at all.  And it really doesn't matter that they have a degree, they're not getting paid more than someone without one.  Besides I'm not even guaranteed a job in the field I'm interested in.  I'm not even guaranteed to use what I major in at all.  So does it really make getting an education worth it?

I heard that majority of students who graduate don't go into the field they major in.  Just recently there was a study that pretty much said the first 2 years of college are a waste.  Nowadays an education isn't hard to come by.  Most people in this generation do go to college.  I'm not really standing out above the rest to have a degree.

But I've finally found something I'm interested in.  I found something I want to pursue.  I want to learn about.  I want to earn a degree in it, and I want a career working in that field.  I think I could be good at it without the education, but I could be really good with an education.  I've finally figured it out.  I am sure the education will be worth it.  But will the debt I go into to get it also be worth it?

I'm not so sure. Honestly. The school that I want to go to that I think will give me the best education has an outrageously high tuition.  I do not want thousands, and thousands, and thousands of dollars in debt looming over for me for the next 20 years.  Tack that on to the expenses of life, and I might as well just stick with the dead end jobs.  Forget buying a house.  And what if I marry a guy who has debt, then it's like twice as many problems to worry about.  That's a lot of of responsibility for just starting out.

I'm sure it will be worth it in the long run, but that's a lot to take on.

Heartfelt.

Today started as rough day.  I've been stressed and completely overwhelmed with this new routine of schoolwork.  I know things will get better as I get used to it, but right now the change seems bigger than big.  My brain is working on overload, and to be honest, my family is bugging the crap out of me.  I just want some me time.  Time where I'm not obligated to be somewhere by a certain time.  I want to just be left alone to do what I want.  I don't want to be asked where I'm going, what I'm doing, and who I'm doing it with.  I just want to be.

My last item on the agenda for the day, BBQ.  What can go wrong having good food with good friends?  Nothing.  And that's exactly what happened.  I sat.  I visited.  I listened to music, worship songs of all things.  But you know what?  It was awesome.  I love that my friends' kids run around with no pants on.  I love that the dog has "leaking anal glands."  And I love that acoustic worship songs were sung.  Such moments are what makes great memories and builds strong friendships.  It's the values and comfort you share with each other.

Had I of stayed home, I would have been holed up in my room, moping and sad.  I would have been irritated with my dad, because "I had an attitude" most the day, and I'm sure it would have caused a confrontation and argument by this evening.  I would have been mad that I spent my Saturday night on school work, when I spent all of my morning doing the same.

Everything happens for a reason.  And sometimes friends without even realizing can make small gestures that mean so much more.  Today BBQ meant the world to me.  It meant time for me, doing what I wanted, with company I enjoy.  It was filled with laughter and music, God and friendship.  It made me realize how amazing these friends I have are, how lucky I am, and how I will savor those moments forever.

Doubtful.

Doubt (–verb)to be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief.

I think doubt stems from fear, most of it anyway.  When you are certain of something, you have no question.  You are confident in your decision.  What is there to fear when you are sure?  I find myself doubtful often.  Doubt can create more problems than it's worth.  Doubt can hold you back from many things.  Doubt can change your life, and not always for the better.

Of course there's good doubt.  If you are doubting something because you have a bad feeling, that is good.  If you are doubting something because you don't have all the facts, that is good.  If you are doubting something solely because you have fear of the uncertainty, that is not good.  Risk is good for you, and I like to play it safe.

I have fear of the uncertainty.  I like to know, be sure, be confident in my decisions and actions.  I need to work on becoming more of a risk taker.  Small steps for sure.  But in playing it safe, it's like expecting things to happen for me.  I have to make things happen for myself, take chances, and those are not always the safest moves.  But what's the worst than can happen?  I can fail.  I've learned failure builds character, experience, knowledge.  Really, failing isn't all that bad.  I'd rather have tried and failed, than to have never tried at all.

I'm gonna start with small risks, maybe just by stepping out of my comfort zone a little more.  Strike up a conversation with the cute guy at the store.  Try something new.  Tackle these college classes.  Try Indian food.  I dunno!  Just something.  Because doubt can hold you back, and I want to charge it ahead!


One of my favorite quotes is by Confucious.  He said "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."  Good words to live by.

I'm all shook up.

My brain is going to explode.  

This was my first week of school, and I am overwhelmed.  I knew I would be though, so it is going as expected.  Statistics is hard.  Considering I haven't had a math class since 2002, I knew this was going to be a tough one.  Math is not my thing.  I'm not really bad at it, but I'm not really good at it either.  Good thing I signed up for that Math Lab, I'm gonna need it.  I haven't even started on psychology yet. 

Monday I ran with Samantha, then we hung out for a little bit since our bible study got cancelled.  I got home at about 8:30.  Tuesday, I came home from work, had a little dinner, and got to school early, because I didn't know what to expect.  Wednesday I ran with Sam again, then came home, had a little dinner, took a very small breather, and did homework....for 2 hours.  Today I came home from work, read up on what we will be going over in Stats this evening to familiarize myself, had some dinner, now I'm blogging, which I will have to cut off here shortly to go to class.  Ugh.  I'm not liking this already.

I've been giving myself pep talks though.  "You CAN do this!  You WANT this!"  I know this overwhelming feeling will go away once I get settled into a new routine.  Still, I'm stressing. 

I can do this.  And I can do this, because I want it.  In that, I am confident.

Dementia.

Dementia is a horrible, horrible, horrible thing.

Today as I was driving home, I saw a man and an old lady out by the street.  The man was was probably in his 30s and the old lady had to have been in her 70s.  She was skinny.  She was frail.  Her hair was a mess.  Her clothes were disheveled.  You could just tell she was skin and bones.  She kind of had her arm out with her hand relaxed and just hanging down, as if she was trying to point but didn't have the strength.  But it was the look on her face that brought me to tears.

My grandmother had a series of small strokes over a period of time.  This caused her dementia.  The look on the face of this old lady, vividly brought back memories of my grandma.  It's a mix of being absolutely clueless, lost, curious.  It brought back the sadness of seeing someone literally lose their mind.  It's like they revert back to a child.  My grandma used to stick her tongue out at people when they said something she didn't like.  She'd make faces.  She would wander.

I have to say it was a blessing she passed before she forgot who we were.  I don't know if I could handle someone I love so dearly having no clue who I am.  It's not like the memories you have with them are lost, it's just so clear you will have no memories like those again.

So today, I am remembering you Gramma.  I am remembering the memories, the laughs, the talks, the time you tried to ride a bike and fell off.  I am remembering delicious salads with green bell peppers.  I am remembering your dirty jokes and Portuguese comments.  Your homemade beans and lemon meringue pie.  The way you used to "cheat" at cards.  The way you used to play catch and baseball with us in the back yard.

It will be 3 years February 19.  You are loved and missed.

Like, uhhh, umm....

Did you ever notice people say these words A LOT? I think some people use one word more than others. For example (I was gonna say like, but that was too easy), my boss says "Uh" all the time. He uses is it as a word filler until he reaches his next thought. I say "like" way too much. I say it instead of "for example" or "similar to." I catch my self doing it, and it annoys the crap out of me!!

It's not like dead air is that bad. UGH, see I just did it again! But really, what other word or intro could I have put there instead of "like"?

New Year's resolution: say "like" less!!