Risky Business.

I am not a risk taker. I am really cautious, always playing it safe. I like to know, not guess or be unsure. There's a quote that I often think about.  I'm not even sure who said it, but it goes "If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything." This applies to my life in so many different areas. School - I never decided on a route to take, because no route felt sure. Why couldn't I just choose a path and run with it? See it through, and see where it takes me. Moving out - I'm so afraid to live paycheck to paycheck again. I make enough money, so why don't I just do it? Finances will be tight, but it's doable. God has a way of providing in every way, shape, form, need, whatever. Why am I so afraid to risk, when I know He will catch me if I fall?

I always wait for things to be right, and I don't feel like I've done much of anything in my life. Other people may not see it as that way, but what matters is how I see it. I want great things for my life. Great success involves great risk. I haven't risked anything for success in anything. I know that trying and failing is better than never having tried at all. So why can't I just do it?  Whatever it is.

Trapped.

Maybe it's the negative mood I've been in the past few weeks that has me feeling this way.  I usually try to stay as far away from politics as possible, and I'm hoping to continue that with this post.  But I'm feeling really concerned for my future, in a multitude of ways.

Financially. The cost of goods is rising rapidly, but it's not like anyone is making more money.  The expenses of living are becoming unaffordable.  I've been told I just need to work hard and do my best.  But that's what I have been doing.  All I do is work hard and do my best.  The economy has stumped any growth.  I'm feeling like my best isn't good enough.

I don't see light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it's there, but I don't see it.  They say the economy is turning, but from what I see, people are still losing their jobs, their insurance, their homes, their lives.

I guess in  a way I am lucky, because I don't have much to lose.  I have a family who loves me, cares for me, and will provide for me if need be.  They put a roof over my head and food on the table, and for that I am thankful.  Some people are so much less fortunate.

Still, it leaves me little hope to lead the life I've dreamed of.  I don't see myself owning a home anytime soon.  Even though I am nowhere close to starting a family, the idea of supporting one in times like these scares me.  And I'm going to be 27 this year, it's not my parents job to still support me.  But we almost don't have much of a choice.  I can't afford to move out.  My employer doesn't provide me insurance.  What other options do I have?

I don't know how people do it.  I really don't.  I ask myself and the people I know all the time, and no one seems to have an answer.  They call it "The Great Recession."  I think the effects on my generation, the generation who's just starting out will be long lasting, just like that of The Great Depression.  

But what I fear for in my generation is their lack of work ethic.  Majority seem to want something for nothing.  I know so many living off the government.  I can't say I blame them, when most live better than I do.  Yet I work for a living and don't get the benefits that they do.  It's so unfair.  And yes, I know that life isn't fair, but since when did common sense get thrown out the window?
I'll keep my head up.  I'll continue to work hard.  I will not lose hope in my future.  I may be feeling trapped now, but that will only add fuel to the fire of my determination.

Someone I'm Not.

I may not be totally sure of who I am, but I am sure of many things I'm not.  I think most people change over a course of a lifetime, but there are some of those people who will never change.  I have people in my life who will and won't change.  I'm glad I'm one of those people who will.

Lately I feel like my self-esteem is taking a beating.  I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to other people, but it's hard not to.  Whether I compare myself for being less of what they are or more of what they are, it's still wrong to compare.  So why can't I seem to stop?  There's a couple of people in particular that I can't seem to shake this competitiveness from. One I know for sure looks down upon me.  This person has their nose so far up in the air, that they think they're above everyone.  So why do I take it personally?  The other is a little more subtle.  And even though this person knows the struggles I've been through and how lost I've been and sometimes continue to be in finding my way, still unconsciously puts me down.  If I know it's unintentional, why does it still bother me?

I am not like either of these people.  To be honest, I don't want to be like them.  I may not have what they have.  I may not present myself the way they do.  I may not make as much money or have as nice of things.  I still work hard.  I still try my best.  I know in some ways, I am better than they are.  I am more caring, compassionate, kind, less judgmental, less assertive, more well rounded and down to earth.

So even though I may be jealous of certain aspects of who they are or what they do, I am not like them.

I am content with who I am.  Sometimes I just wish they could see it too.

Negativity

I'm easily affected by my environment.  

Lately, much of the atmosphere has been stressful, negative, and downright depressing.  

Maybe I need to spend more quality time alone.

Maybe I just need a weekend getaway.

Maybe I need a good long vacation.

I don't really know what it is that I need, but I need something.

Something to make me feel loved and important.

Something to make me feel confident in life.

Something to rejuvenate me from the negativity.

I feel like I've gone astray from the road I want to take.

I need guidance to find my way back.

I trust He will help me.