Timing is Everything.

I love how some things come into your life at the exact time you need to see them, hear them, read them, or live them.

After my post the other day about my discouragement of my diet and exercise routine, I read something that I really need to retain.  I'm currently reading this book called "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillows.  These are a couple excerpts of what I needed to learn:

"Isn't it comforting to know that God knew each of us before He created us?  He planned what each of us would look like, who are parents would be, if and who we would marry, and how many children we would have."

"Perhaps you think other female tapestry is beautiful, but not yours.  'I don't like my nose, my hips, my breasts.  In fact I really don't like much about me.'  All of us could list things we'd like changed about ourselves.  But if we are displeased with our physical form, we're really arguing with God.  He is responsible for the color of our hair and the size of our nose and whether we have cellulite.
  I'm not surprised that so many women struggle over their personal appearance.  The values of our American culture are warped.  We're constantly bombarded with pressure created by the media to have a "prefect" body.  This emphasis is wrong and unbiblical.  As Christian women, we know this perspective is twisted, yet how easy it is to get caught up in the deadly disease of comparison."

I do find it comforting to know God has it all planned out.  He knows best for me.  I know that, but why is it so hard to not question His plan?  There is so much I am thankful for, and perhaps I don't give thanks enough.  It is easier to dwell on the have nots than to dwell on the positives.  I assume that is just human nature.

The phrase "But if we are displeased with our physical form, we're really arguing with God" really struck out to me.  I am arguing with God on so many different levels!  Not only with my physical form, but my emotional state.  I am lonely, confused.  I feel misguided and lost.  I'm unsure of my purpose and plan.  Where is my faith in His plan and His guidance?

I couldn't help but be a little disappointed in myself after realizing my fault.  Who am I to question God? It seems like such a foolish question.  I am no one to question God.  He is God after all!  Yet that doesn't stop me from doing it, often, frequently, daily!

I am built the way God created me.  I am not handicapped in any way.  I am healthy and strong.  I am capable of anything I set my mind to.  I have no setbacks.  I need to stop being so discouraged of everything I am not, because I am so much of everything else!  My body may not be exactly the way that I hoped, but there will always be things I don't like about it.  It's pretty good the way it is.  Be thankful!  My life may not be where I thought I would be at this point of my life, but it's all a part of His plan.  Have more faith!  I may not be sure of where my future is going, but He does.  Instill more trust in Him!



**Thanks Erin for your kind comment.  I <3 you!  By the way, I think you would really like this book!

Plateau.

I've reached a plateau in my diet and exercise routine, and I could not be more frustrated!  I've been health conscious and exercising regularly for a year now.  I lost 10 pounds post break up, all of which I've gained back.  Good news is, I believe it's been gained back in muscle because my jeans still fit.  So, I guess my hard working is paying off...some.

Eating more healthy and exercising regularly has become a huge part of my life.  To not see results makes it so hard to continue.  I started being more conscious as a life change, not a lose weight/keep it off kind of thing.  I've always been very self conscious.  I want to feel healthy, fit, and comfortable in a bathing suit.  That is my goal.  I know I'm not fat.  I don't need to lose weight.  I know there will always be things I don't like about my body.  However, I'm working hard to hopefully become more acceptive of those things.

I'm always catching up on health and fitness news and articles.  I get a lot of tips from the lady at work who's son is a nutrition major.  There are so many rules and restrictions and guidelines to follow when figuring out the diet and exercise plan that works for you.  I'm fed up with it all!  Seriously.  I'm freaking 26 years old, I shouldn't be so overly frustrated with this, but I am.  I have a smoothie and toast usually every morning, a salad for lunch usually every day, and dinner - well, that just depends what I have time for.  I very rarely eat fast food.  If I do it's like In & Out, which I don't think is half as bad as Jack in the Box or something.  I have a very bad sweet tooth, so I do indulge but not overboard.  I work out and eat right, so I don't have to deprive myself of the things I like.

Yesterday I got the response, "Well maybe you're not eating enough calories."  First of all, I'm not a calorie counter.  I have no need to be.  I eat pretty well.  I eat when I'm hungry and eat till I'm full.  I'm not going to watch, measure, and keep track of every little thing I eat either.  I don't have the patience for it, especially since I'm not trying to lose weight.

Where is the happy medium?  Eat right and exercise, simply put, is what you're supposed to do.  But then you do it, and it gets more detailed.  There's so much more to it.  It's eating right within the recommended calorie intake.  It's mixing up your exercise routine with the right amount of toning and cardio.  But you should only do it every other day, or it's better to work out in the morning, or you should eat a handful of grapes before you exercise to boost your metabolism.  Are you freaking kidding me?

I'm losing my patience.  I don't know what to do anymore.  My life shouldn't evolve around diet and exercise.    But it's starting to, because it feels like none of it is working.  I'm becoming overly concerned with it.  My mom said "Well, maybe your just at where your supposed to be."  Easy for her to say.  She can do the 30 day shred 3 days a week for a month and already see her body changing.  I can do it 3 days a week for 3 months and not notice a slight difference.  My biggest frustration is not just not seeing results.  It's having a goal (that isn't even unattainable) and not reaching it, not even noticing any changes to lead me to think I'm well on my way to reaching it.

Thankful.

Lately, I've been in such a piss poor mood.  (I'm not even gonna try and sugar coat it).  I don't know what it is.  I have nothing in particular to be down about.  It just seems like everything is pulling me in that direction.  Even the things that usually bring me joy, lately haven't so much.

We have a vendor that comes to our office every Thursday to pick up his check.  If he's not going to be there, he calls.  This morning the ladies in the office and I were talking about how he didn't come in Thursday or Friday and hadn't called either.  We thought it was really out of his character.  He usually always calls.  We were all just really hoping everything was ok.  He and his brother are some of the nicest people we work with.   We were thinking about calling him later in the day to make sure everything was alright.

About an hour later, he walked into our office.  We kinda teased him "Oh, hey!  Where have you been?  We've been getting worried.  We were about to call to make sure everything's alright."  He got very serious and said "No, not everything is alright.  I had to go to a funeral last week."  We said our apologies.  He continued, "I won't be here this Thursday either.  I have another funeral to go to."  We all looked at each other and sadness overcame us all.  The poor man was trying to hold it together. "Yeah, this one is a sad one.  She was just 20 years old and took her own life.......then about an hour ago, I got a call from my brother.  Our uncle passed away.  He had cancer.  We knew it was coming, but...it's still just so sad."

None of us knew what to say.  He is such a kind man and to see the sadness in his eyes, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him.  He was hurting, and it showed.  Three funerals in two weeks for family members.  I couldn't imagine.  We usually have to tease him him to get him to talk a lot.  We joke with him and make him laugh.  Today, he needed to talk.  He needed to get the hurt off his chest.  He volunteered the information as if saying out loud would make it easier to accept.

Sometimes it takes someone else to remind you of how good you actually have it.  I needed that reminder.  My family and I are healthy.  If you don't have your health, what do you have?  Really, we have it all, and that in itself should make me happy.  Tomorrow is a new day, and that I am thankful for.

You're Gonna Miss This.

So often I find myself waiting in anticipation for what the future will bring.  I have no doubts it gets better, as it's already gotten better from the past.  I'm so eager to find out what the next, new stage of my life has in store for me.  I dream about the future so frequently that it brings me down.  Down, because I don't yet have those things.  Of course I only dream about the good things, and forget to realize that along with the good comes the bad.  But in my anticipation for whatever life is going to bring, maybe I don't appreciate enough where I currently am.

As much as I miss parts of the past and dream about the future, now is really all I have.  These are good times in my life.  Now.  Living at home with my parents, getting to know them as the people they are not just mom and dad, buying my first truck, contemplating going back to school, making new friends, trying new things, volunteering my time.   All good things.  I guess it is human nature to want more, what you don't have.

I heard this song the other day.  It couldn't be more fitting for the way I've been feeling lately.  As hard, as lonely, as busy or as boring as these days may seem to me, I know eventually I will miss them.

Runner.

I've always thought there was something special about runners.  I don't know what it is.  I used to envy long distance track runners.  They must have so much discipline to be dedicated to do something that seemed so tiring and boring.  I used to think it would be so cool to say, "I can run 5 miles or 10 miles.  I can run from Arroyo Grande to Santa Maria if I wanted to!"  Or as in the case of Sunday, from San Luis to Shell Beach.

After I started running with Running Grrrl, it never really dawned on me that I was a runner.  I'd go out nearly every day after work, meet up with my club every Saturday, and run up to 6 miles a day.  Still, I never thought to call myself a runner.  It wasn't until I got this injury that it really phased me.  I have a running related injury, common among runners.  At first I was thinking "Awesome!  I really am a runner!  I feel it's official now!"

My near 6 week running hiatus has been a lot harder than I thought it would.  At first I thought it was going to be a nice little break.  That idea lasted about 2 weeks.  I really, really began to miss it.  I missed being outside in the fresh air, meeting with the girls, and just the entire way running makes me feel.  I'd see runners on the road and hate them just a little bit!

Today, I ran my first post injury release run.  It was only a mile, because I have to take it easy.  But it felt sooo great.  I ran hard.  I ran fast.  I was so out of breath!  I loved being back out there!  Running is such a unique sport.  I am amongst those people I envied.  Now, I proudly lift my chin up, with a big smile on my face and announce "I am a runner!"

Crushing?

I might have a little...dare I say, crush.  I don't even know his name.  But he's way cute.  Nice smile, straight teeth, dark hair, big truck, work boots, and tattoos.  Wow.  Um..speechless.  I've only seen him and handful of times, and I think about him more than I should.  I don't even know what to do, and I don't even want to admit I may be, okay, I am really interested.

I haven't felt this way in so long.  Being single sucks, and these days I feel like I'm the only one who is.  I'm okay not being in a relationship.  I've only been on my own for a year.  But I grew apart from the relationship that I was in so long ago, that it feels I've been on my own a lot longer.  There are a few friends in particular that I feel like I can't even tell I have a crush too.  They will want to know details.  They will school me on what should be my next move, or they will take it into their own hands and completely embarrass me.

I'm not the type of girl to go after a guy.  I'm not straight forward and aggressive, and I don't intend to be.  That's not who I am.  Today, we had our first conversation, and at least now he knows what I drive.  I guess, those are baby steps.  Although now, I'm kicking myself because I should have shown more eye contact, been a little flirtier, I dunno got his number.  Man, I do not know how this shit works!

Sex Appeal.

This whole thing is starting to actually really piss me off.  I don't watch a lot of TV.  I just don't have the time, which is probably for the best considering all the girls and their half naked bodies all over the freakin place.  Half naked in videos, on TV shows, and in commercials.  In addition to the weight loss commercials that pop up every 4 minutes.

I was watching COUNTRY music videos today, and I was getting all down on myself.  Sex appeal has even made itself prominent in country music videos.  Can you believe it?  One had a girl on a bra and panties rolling around on a bed with her big ol' boobs popping out.  Then a weight loss commercial came on that had an overweight girl, you know shrink down to a perfectly toned and tanned body within seconds.  Are you kidding me?

I'm not even over weight.  In fact, I'm pretty in shape (except for the fact that I feel gross, because I haven't ran in forever, and these shows and commercials are just making me feel more like crap for it).  I am by no means over weight, or out of shape.  I should have no reason to feel bad about my body.  Sure, I have a roll or two, my butt jiggles a little, my thighs could be toner.  Whatever.  It's normal.  I'm a freaking size 4.  I should love my body.  But I don't.

My boobs could be bigger.  My stomach could be flatter.  My butt could be harder.  My biceps could be more prominent.  Could, could, could, could.  It makes me so mad.  I don't want to feel this way.  When perfectly fit, tanned, and toned women are shown all over the place, and celebrities are criticized for looking like we do, how can we not help but feel inferior?  No wonder women are insecure about their bodies.

There's no mystery to being a woman anymore.  When they run around in skin tight mini skirts and little midriff, low cut tops, what's left to the imagination?  Very little.  It's gotten out of control.  I don't like seeing half naked women everywhere.  It's demoralizing.  It's shallow.  It's degrading.  Women are strong, mysterious, healthy, intelligent, controlled.  They are the backbone to nearly every family.  I'm tired of us being portrayed as sex objects rather than the honorable people we are.

We grow little humans inside of us.  We aren't all made to be models.  We are beautiful the way we are.  Every roll, every wrinkle, every stretch mark tells a story.  It's a body that's been lived in.  It's a strong, healthy, indulgent body.  It's a body we all need to be proud of, because it's ours.  It's taken us through a journey of life.  It's taken us through ups and downs, good times and bad, partying years and mothering years, adolescent years and mature years.  It's healthy and normal.  And a healthy body is a sexy body.

Playing Mom.

My mom left last week to go to Holland on business.  She won't be back until Saturday, so I've been playing mom.  I've been watering the plants, feeding the dogs, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, buying groceries, checking in with Nana, my sister and my dad.  All on top of working till 4 everyday, 2 nights of softball, 1 night of either softball or my women's group.  I've been freaking busy.

It's times like these that make me really appreciate my mom (and all moms) for what they do.  My sister and I are grown up and can take care of ourselves, and it's still a lot to do.  I couldn't imagine having to make breakfasts, lunches, and dinners for everyone, taking kids to school or sports, doctors appointments and play dates.  I guess when it's your life you don't know anything different, and you do what you have to do. But that's not my life, so I don't know!

It's weird cause it's not like I've never lived on my own.  I had a house to clean, a yard to keep up, bills to pay, meals to make.  It's just different when it's not yours and you have someone else depending on you.  My parents house it a lot bigger than my house was.  My dad's home on the weekends, so I have to make sure there's enough food in the house and make dinner when he's home.  Last night my dad did take me out to dinner.  Afterwards we went to the grocery store, where I had to buy (just to point out)!  I said "Dad, go pick out the cereal you want."  Just like a little kid, cause seriously that's what I feel like I'm taking care of sometimes.

I don't have a problem doing his laundry, making his meals.  He's done a lot more for me for a lot less.  It's just the point being, I am so not ready to be a mom!  I'm not ready for this to be my life.  I don't mind doing it for myself during the week, because I could have yogurt and berries for every meal and be completely satisfied.  Taking care of someone else and keeping up a home is a lot of work.

My hat goes off to the moms.  You are strong and amazing.