Heartfelt.

Today started as rough day.  I've been stressed and completely overwhelmed with this new routine of schoolwork.  I know things will get better as I get used to it, but right now the change seems bigger than big.  My brain is working on overload, and to be honest, my family is bugging the crap out of me.  I just want some me time.  Time where I'm not obligated to be somewhere by a certain time.  I want to just be left alone to do what I want.  I don't want to be asked where I'm going, what I'm doing, and who I'm doing it with.  I just want to be.

My last item on the agenda for the day, BBQ.  What can go wrong having good food with good friends?  Nothing.  And that's exactly what happened.  I sat.  I visited.  I listened to music, worship songs of all things.  But you know what?  It was awesome.  I love that my friends' kids run around with no pants on.  I love that the dog has "leaking anal glands."  And I love that acoustic worship songs were sung.  Such moments are what makes great memories and builds strong friendships.  It's the values and comfort you share with each other.

Had I of stayed home, I would have been holed up in my room, moping and sad.  I would have been irritated with my dad, because "I had an attitude" most the day, and I'm sure it would have caused a confrontation and argument by this evening.  I would have been mad that I spent my Saturday night on school work, when I spent all of my morning doing the same.

Everything happens for a reason.  And sometimes friends without even realizing can make small gestures that mean so much more.  Today BBQ meant the world to me.  It meant time for me, doing what I wanted, with company I enjoy.  It was filled with laughter and music, God and friendship.  It made me realize how amazing these friends I have are, how lucky I am, and how I will savor those moments forever.

Doubtful.

Doubt (–verb)to be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief.

I think doubt stems from fear, most of it anyway.  When you are certain of something, you have no question.  You are confident in your decision.  What is there to fear when you are sure?  I find myself doubtful often.  Doubt can create more problems than it's worth.  Doubt can hold you back from many things.  Doubt can change your life, and not always for the better.

Of course there's good doubt.  If you are doubting something because you have a bad feeling, that is good.  If you are doubting something because you don't have all the facts, that is good.  If you are doubting something solely because you have fear of the uncertainty, that is not good.  Risk is good for you, and I like to play it safe.

I have fear of the uncertainty.  I like to know, be sure, be confident in my decisions and actions.  I need to work on becoming more of a risk taker.  Small steps for sure.  But in playing it safe, it's like expecting things to happen for me.  I have to make things happen for myself, take chances, and those are not always the safest moves.  But what's the worst than can happen?  I can fail.  I've learned failure builds character, experience, knowledge.  Really, failing isn't all that bad.  I'd rather have tried and failed, than to have never tried at all.

I'm gonna start with small risks, maybe just by stepping out of my comfort zone a little more.  Strike up a conversation with the cute guy at the store.  Try something new.  Tackle these college classes.  Try Indian food.  I dunno!  Just something.  Because doubt can hold you back, and I want to charge it ahead!


One of my favorite quotes is by Confucious.  He said "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."  Good words to live by.

I'm all shook up.

My brain is going to explode.  

This was my first week of school, and I am overwhelmed.  I knew I would be though, so it is going as expected.  Statistics is hard.  Considering I haven't had a math class since 2002, I knew this was going to be a tough one.  Math is not my thing.  I'm not really bad at it, but I'm not really good at it either.  Good thing I signed up for that Math Lab, I'm gonna need it.  I haven't even started on psychology yet. 

Monday I ran with Samantha, then we hung out for a little bit since our bible study got cancelled.  I got home at about 8:30.  Tuesday, I came home from work, had a little dinner, and got to school early, because I didn't know what to expect.  Wednesday I ran with Sam again, then came home, had a little dinner, took a very small breather, and did homework....for 2 hours.  Today I came home from work, read up on what we will be going over in Stats this evening to familiarize myself, had some dinner, now I'm blogging, which I will have to cut off here shortly to go to class.  Ugh.  I'm not liking this already.

I've been giving myself pep talks though.  "You CAN do this!  You WANT this!"  I know this overwhelming feeling will go away once I get settled into a new routine.  Still, I'm stressing. 

I can do this.  And I can do this, because I want it.  In that, I am confident.

Dementia.

Dementia is a horrible, horrible, horrible thing.

Today as I was driving home, I saw a man and an old lady out by the street.  The man was was probably in his 30s and the old lady had to have been in her 70s.  She was skinny.  She was frail.  Her hair was a mess.  Her clothes were disheveled.  You could just tell she was skin and bones.  She kind of had her arm out with her hand relaxed and just hanging down, as if she was trying to point but didn't have the strength.  But it was the look on her face that brought me to tears.

My grandmother had a series of small strokes over a period of time.  This caused her dementia.  The look on the face of this old lady, vividly brought back memories of my grandma.  It's a mix of being absolutely clueless, lost, curious.  It brought back the sadness of seeing someone literally lose their mind.  It's like they revert back to a child.  My grandma used to stick her tongue out at people when they said something she didn't like.  She'd make faces.  She would wander.

I have to say it was a blessing she passed before she forgot who we were.  I don't know if I could handle someone I love so dearly having no clue who I am.  It's not like the memories you have with them are lost, it's just so clear you will have no memories like those again.

So today, I am remembering you Gramma.  I am remembering the memories, the laughs, the talks, the time you tried to ride a bike and fell off.  I am remembering delicious salads with green bell peppers.  I am remembering your dirty jokes and Portuguese comments.  Your homemade beans and lemon meringue pie.  The way you used to "cheat" at cards.  The way you used to play catch and baseball with us in the back yard.

It will be 3 years February 19.  You are loved and missed.

Like, uhhh, umm....

Did you ever notice people say these words A LOT? I think some people use one word more than others. For example (I was gonna say like, but that was too easy), my boss says "Uh" all the time. He uses is it as a word filler until he reaches his next thought. I say "like" way too much. I say it instead of "for example" or "similar to." I catch my self doing it, and it annoys the crap out of me!!

It's not like dead air is that bad. UGH, see I just did it again! But really, what other word or intro could I have put there instead of "like"?

New Year's resolution: say "like" less!!