It Can't Be Me.

Sometimes I feel like all I write about are boys, loneliness, being single, and the fact that I have no "other." I'll warn you...I'm continuing with that today.

There was a good period where I liked being independent.  I liked the time to get to know my parents again.  I liked living at home and saving money.  I liked doing what I want, when I want.  I liked not having to care about someone else's feelings.  I liked having very little responsibility.  I don't have to worry about getting nervous, going on dates, the "Is he going to kiss me or not?" moments.  I don't have to worry about getting dropped off at home with barking dogs, if my parents are up wondering when I'm going to get home, where we would go to be alone and hang out.  There is so much about dating, that I'm glad I'm not.

But there are little things that really make me wonder.  One, is the fact that the ex is still dating the girl he left me for.  How is this possible?  He is NOT a good catch.  I don't even know what I was thinking when I dated him.  How does he have someone and I do not?  I am an AMAZING catch.  Seriously.  People are lucky to know me!  Two, how do high maintenance, ugly, mean, bitchy girls go on dates and get in relationships?  I can't even find one decent guy to look at me longer than 2 seconds.  Three, where do you even meet people?  I joined like 5 different softball teams.  I have an amazing group of friends, who are all married, and only know people who are married and relationships. (It seems like anyway).  I go to the bars.  (Even though they are not my favorite places to.  Some free drinks are better than nothing, even if the guy is buying them for the friend that I'm with).

Still, I think there just comes a point, where you begin to think "It must be me."  But I know it's not.  I know who I am, and what I have to offer.  I know that any guy would be lucky to have me.  I know the value of what I am worth.  I don't come cheap.  I know that.  It's just going to take the right guy.  I know that.  I can't sit around hoping he will come and find me.  I know that.  I've been doing all I can to keep busy, have fun, worry about myself, and just keep my mind off of being lonely.  I know the he will come into my life when the time is right.  I know that he's going to be everything I want and hope for and more.  I know that.

It brings me peace knowing he hasn't found me yet either.  I wonder where he is, what he's doing, and if he ever wonders when he will find me.  There's something romantic about knowing that our worlds will collide when the moment is right.

Church.

     My family never regularly attended church.  Both my parents were raised Catholic, and both had stopped attending regularly when their parents didn't make them go.  When they wanted to get married, a Catholic priest would not marry them, because they didn't attend church and practice their religion regularly.  This really offended my mom and turned her against the Catholic religion.
     As young children, my sister and I were both baptized as Christians.  We would attend church every so often with my aunt, uncle and cousins.  We never really spoke much about religion in my house, and any questions I had I would always talk to my aunt.  In middle school, I started regularly attending a youth group with some friends.  It was more of a social gathering, than something I really did for myself.
     I've always felt I have a good relationship with God.  I never questioned His existence.  I've always prayed throughout my life.  I always knew and continue to know He is looking over me.  For about the past 3 years, I've really started to feel like I need more of Him in my life.  I've never felt comfortable in church, so I've always avoided going.  I think a lot of what I didn't like, was that I didn't understand it.  When I attended as a child, I found it to be boring and to take forever.  Worship kinda made me uncomfortable.  I prefer to be close to God in private.
     When we started going to PBR events, we would go to the church services held in the arena Sunday mornings.  In one small section of this huge arena is a small handful of people worshiping God.  It's become one of my favorite parts of the PBR.  I really love that you feel the presence of God in that big arena.  Being able to sit next to and pray with your favorite bull rider, really makes you feel closer to them as individuals.  It's like you feel the struggles they deal with out on the road, being away from their families, the temptations, and putting their lives on the line.  I would always leave PBR church feeling good, refreshed, content, and optimistic.  It made me realize I need more of church in my life.
     Today, I attended Harvest Church with my sister.  I've been meaning to go for the past few months.  I could just never bring myself to get out of bed Sunday mornings.  I am so glad I did.  I realized that church is what I've been missing.  I think so deeply about everything, so church is actually kind of an emotional place for me to be.  It's an overwhelming feeling of faith, love, and understanding.  To be around people who care so deeply and believe whole-heartedly in Him.  When they raise their hands to Him.  When they sing to Him.  When we pray to Him.  Speak to Him.
     I felt comfortable.  I felt welcomed.  I felt Him in my heart.

Moving Along.

I far too often worry about life.  I feel like everyone else's lives are moving forward, and mine is at a constant standstill.  Of course looking back I can list multiple changes that have occurred, proving I am moving right along at my own consistent pace.

I guess lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed with a lot of things on my plate.  I think some of it has to do with the stresses of starting a new job.  My hours are a bit longer.  I'm adjusting to a new rate of pay, a new office, a new atmosphere, new work, a new boss, etc.  I'm super excited about this new opportunity, and I really think I'm going to love it.  This change is good.  It's positive.  It's definitely a step in the right direction.

School is going good, but I'm ready for a vacation.  I'm considering taking a class in summer school, but the break really would be nice.  I've got a B in the class, and that's good enough for me.  It's sad to say, I don't really care much about the grade, just as long as I pass.  I just need to make it through getting my AA.  It's going to be a tough battle.  But with each semester that passes, I am that much closer.  It's coming along slowly, but it's coming along.

I'm also currently taking my Hunter's Safety Course online.  It's looming over my head.  I really don't want to do it, but I need to get it done and out of the way...only to have to take my Bow Hunter's Safety Course after that!  Ugh.  My dad signed my mom, sister and I all up for the Hunter's Safety Course when my sister and I were in elementary school.  My sister and mom finished the course then, but I was too little and would fall asleep in class.  Needless to say I never enrolled or completed it, which is way I'm paying for it now!  It's just one more thing to worry about.  It's just more work to do.  I will be so glad when it's done though.  I will never have to do it again!

I haven't been sleeping well at night either.  I think it's all of everything in my mind keeping me up.  It's the mental list I go over in my head.  It's the anticipation of my alarm, so I'm not late to my new job.  It's the pressure of knowing I need rest, because I feel like I'm fighting getting sick.

Even though sometimes it feels like I'm going nowhere, I think I need to look at it in the opposite.  Maybe I'm just going in so many different directions.  I go from a new job, to hunting, to running, to school, and that's only a few things.  That's not even counting all the in between, random, and every day things.  But maybe this was all I need, to get it off my chest.  To lay it out in front of me.  To vent.  

Tomorrow is a new day.  

Risky Business.

I am not a risk taker. I am really cautious, always playing it safe. I like to know, not guess or be unsure. There's a quote that I often think about.  I'm not even sure who said it, but it goes "If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything." This applies to my life in so many different areas. School - I never decided on a route to take, because no route felt sure. Why couldn't I just choose a path and run with it? See it through, and see where it takes me. Moving out - I'm so afraid to live paycheck to paycheck again. I make enough money, so why don't I just do it? Finances will be tight, but it's doable. God has a way of providing in every way, shape, form, need, whatever. Why am I so afraid to risk, when I know He will catch me if I fall?

I always wait for things to be right, and I don't feel like I've done much of anything in my life. Other people may not see it as that way, but what matters is how I see it. I want great things for my life. Great success involves great risk. I haven't risked anything for success in anything. I know that trying and failing is better than never having tried at all. So why can't I just do it?  Whatever it is.

Trapped.

Maybe it's the negative mood I've been in the past few weeks that has me feeling this way.  I usually try to stay as far away from politics as possible, and I'm hoping to continue that with this post.  But I'm feeling really concerned for my future, in a multitude of ways.

Financially. The cost of goods is rising rapidly, but it's not like anyone is making more money.  The expenses of living are becoming unaffordable.  I've been told I just need to work hard and do my best.  But that's what I have been doing.  All I do is work hard and do my best.  The economy has stumped any growth.  I'm feeling like my best isn't good enough.

I don't see light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it's there, but I don't see it.  They say the economy is turning, but from what I see, people are still losing their jobs, their insurance, their homes, their lives.

I guess in  a way I am lucky, because I don't have much to lose.  I have a family who loves me, cares for me, and will provide for me if need be.  They put a roof over my head and food on the table, and for that I am thankful.  Some people are so much less fortunate.

Still, it leaves me little hope to lead the life I've dreamed of.  I don't see myself owning a home anytime soon.  Even though I am nowhere close to starting a family, the idea of supporting one in times like these scares me.  And I'm going to be 27 this year, it's not my parents job to still support me.  But we almost don't have much of a choice.  I can't afford to move out.  My employer doesn't provide me insurance.  What other options do I have?

I don't know how people do it.  I really don't.  I ask myself and the people I know all the time, and no one seems to have an answer.  They call it "The Great Recession."  I think the effects on my generation, the generation who's just starting out will be long lasting, just like that of The Great Depression.  

But what I fear for in my generation is their lack of work ethic.  Majority seem to want something for nothing.  I know so many living off the government.  I can't say I blame them, when most live better than I do.  Yet I work for a living and don't get the benefits that they do.  It's so unfair.  And yes, I know that life isn't fair, but since when did common sense get thrown out the window?
I'll keep my head up.  I'll continue to work hard.  I will not lose hope in my future.  I may be feeling trapped now, but that will only add fuel to the fire of my determination.

Someone I'm Not.

I may not be totally sure of who I am, but I am sure of many things I'm not.  I think most people change over a course of a lifetime, but there are some of those people who will never change.  I have people in my life who will and won't change.  I'm glad I'm one of those people who will.

Lately I feel like my self-esteem is taking a beating.  I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to other people, but it's hard not to.  Whether I compare myself for being less of what they are or more of what they are, it's still wrong to compare.  So why can't I seem to stop?  There's a couple of people in particular that I can't seem to shake this competitiveness from. One I know for sure looks down upon me.  This person has their nose so far up in the air, that they think they're above everyone.  So why do I take it personally?  The other is a little more subtle.  And even though this person knows the struggles I've been through and how lost I've been and sometimes continue to be in finding my way, still unconsciously puts me down.  If I know it's unintentional, why does it still bother me?

I am not like either of these people.  To be honest, I don't want to be like them.  I may not have what they have.  I may not present myself the way they do.  I may not make as much money or have as nice of things.  I still work hard.  I still try my best.  I know in some ways, I am better than they are.  I am more caring, compassionate, kind, less judgmental, less assertive, more well rounded and down to earth.

So even though I may be jealous of certain aspects of who they are or what they do, I am not like them.

I am content with who I am.  Sometimes I just wish they could see it too.

Negativity

I'm easily affected by my environment.  

Lately, much of the atmosphere has been stressful, negative, and downright depressing.  

Maybe I need to spend more quality time alone.

Maybe I just need a weekend getaway.

Maybe I need a good long vacation.

I don't really know what it is that I need, but I need something.

Something to make me feel loved and important.

Something to make me feel confident in life.

Something to rejuvenate me from the negativity.

I feel like I've gone astray from the road I want to take.

I need guidance to find my way back.

I trust He will help me.

Culture Crushed

I just read something in my psychology book that really caught my attention.  It stated that if we were to have fallen asleep in 1960 and awoke today, we would find ourselves in a culture where people sleep less, work more, and spend less time with family and friends.

The other day I came across this article. Considering I'm at a time in my life, where I feel like I am never going to get ahead, this is all striking me hard. In 1970, the average worker brought home $312 a week (in 1982 dollars). But in 1970, they didn't have the amount of state, federal and local taxes, medicare, social security, and retirement coming out of their weekly paycheck. These add up to about $100 a week, $400 a month. I currently barely bring home more than that $300 a week.

The cost of housing has gone up nearly 50%. "Remember, that number accounts for inflation, so what that number actually means it that the cost of a home requires 50% more of a person's paycheck than it did in 1970." It's not like I'm making 50% more, so how will I ever afford to own a home that costs 50% more, on the same salary?

Then there are the other necessities of life that have evolved into our lives: a cell phone, computer, internet connection, a vehicle, gas for that vehicle, insurance for that vehicle, etc. I am paying more bills now than they did in the 1970's just to keep me connected. A cell phone used instead of a home phone. A computer with internet connection to use for school or finding employment. Especially in our area where public transportation is nearly a joke, a vehicle is required, but they require maintenance and that adds up.

And then there's education.  Everyone stresses the importance of a good education, but the cost is nearly 30% higher than it was in 1970. That's 30% more debt to pay off on a $300 a week income.

Of course, now we live in a culture where we tend to sleep less, spend time with friends and family less, and to work more.  We have to work more to bring in a higher income to support the demands of a lifestyle we have grown accustomed to. Don't you think it's weird when you run into someone who doesn't own a cell phone or a computer?  It's just not the norm these days. So even though our culture has changed, grown, and become more demanding, the money we earn hasn't increased to sustain this lifestyle of our ever changing culture.

Attainable Goals.

Apparently I'm one of those people who can't plan too far ahead.  I get easily overwhelmed.

I've been thinking a lot about my future and school.  I decided to go back to Hancock, get my AA, and transfer credits, transfer to Denver University and study Media, Film, and Journalism.  Problem is DU is a private school, costing A LOT of money.  

To be a writer, having a degree isn't a requirement.  I didn't think going into a massive amount of debt to go into a field where you don't really even NEED a degree was worth it....(among other reasons).  Ultimately I decided against transferring.  I've decided to stay at Hancock and just get my AA.

Had I of decided to transfer I'd be looking at at least another year and a half at Hancock to finish transfer requirements, then another 2 years at a University.  A lot can happen between now and at least 2 years from now.  

I've never been one to really push for things, because you never know what can happen.  I'm more of a go with the flow kind of person.  Planning to finish at Hancock, then transfer and get a BA, was an overwhelming goal.  I felt like I was setting myself up for disappointment.  I know how I am.  I can't set huge goals like that.  I rarely follow through with them, because they are too extreme for what I feel I can handle.

The point is, I have to remember this about myself.  I need to remember I can only set attainable goals for myself.  I always think big, when in reality, I don't have the "go big" mentality.  I need to take baby steps to reach the bigger picture.  Once those small goals are accomplished, imagine how great that will feel?  Setting small goals, means accomplishing more goals.  Why set one big goal when you can reach many small ones?!

Heartfelt.

Today started as rough day.  I've been stressed and completely overwhelmed with this new routine of schoolwork.  I know things will get better as I get used to it, but right now the change seems bigger than big.  My brain is working on overload, and to be honest, my family is bugging the crap out of me.  I just want some me time.  Time where I'm not obligated to be somewhere by a certain time.  I want to just be left alone to do what I want.  I don't want to be asked where I'm going, what I'm doing, and who I'm doing it with.  I just want to be.

My last item on the agenda for the day, BBQ.  What can go wrong having good food with good friends?  Nothing.  And that's exactly what happened.  I sat.  I visited.  I listened to music, worship songs of all things.  But you know what?  It was awesome.  I love that my friends' kids run around with no pants on.  I love that the dog has "leaking anal glands."  And I love that acoustic worship songs were sung.  Such moments are what makes great memories and builds strong friendships.  It's the values and comfort you share with each other.

Had I of stayed home, I would have been holed up in my room, moping and sad.  I would have been irritated with my dad, because "I had an attitude" most the day, and I'm sure it would have caused a confrontation and argument by this evening.  I would have been mad that I spent my Saturday night on school work, when I spent all of my morning doing the same.

Everything happens for a reason.  And sometimes friends without even realizing can make small gestures that mean so much more.  Today BBQ meant the world to me.  It meant time for me, doing what I wanted, with company I enjoy.  It was filled with laughter and music, God and friendship.  It made me realize how amazing these friends I have are, how lucky I am, and how I will savor those moments forever.

Doubtful.

Doubt (–verb)to be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief.

I think doubt stems from fear, most of it anyway.  When you are certain of something, you have no question.  You are confident in your decision.  What is there to fear when you are sure?  I find myself doubtful often.  Doubt can create more problems than it's worth.  Doubt can hold you back from many things.  Doubt can change your life, and not always for the better.

Of course there's good doubt.  If you are doubting something because you have a bad feeling, that is good.  If you are doubting something because you don't have all the facts, that is good.  If you are doubting something solely because you have fear of the uncertainty, that is not good.  Risk is good for you, and I like to play it safe.

I have fear of the uncertainty.  I like to know, be sure, be confident in my decisions and actions.  I need to work on becoming more of a risk taker.  Small steps for sure.  But in playing it safe, it's like expecting things to happen for me.  I have to make things happen for myself, take chances, and those are not always the safest moves.  But what's the worst than can happen?  I can fail.  I've learned failure builds character, experience, knowledge.  Really, failing isn't all that bad.  I'd rather have tried and failed, than to have never tried at all.

I'm gonna start with small risks, maybe just by stepping out of my comfort zone a little more.  Strike up a conversation with the cute guy at the store.  Try something new.  Tackle these college classes.  Try Indian food.  I dunno!  Just something.  Because doubt can hold you back, and I want to charge it ahead!


One of my favorite quotes is by Confucious.  He said "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."  Good words to live by.

Dementia.

Dementia is a horrible, horrible, horrible thing.

Today as I was driving home, I saw a man and an old lady out by the street.  The man was was probably in his 30s and the old lady had to have been in her 70s.  She was skinny.  She was frail.  Her hair was a mess.  Her clothes were disheveled.  You could just tell she was skin and bones.  She kind of had her arm out with her hand relaxed and just hanging down, as if she was trying to point but didn't have the strength.  But it was the look on her face that brought me to tears.

My grandmother had a series of small strokes over a period of time.  This caused her dementia.  The look on the face of this old lady, vividly brought back memories of my grandma.  It's a mix of being absolutely clueless, lost, curious.  It brought back the sadness of seeing someone literally lose their mind.  It's like they revert back to a child.  My grandma used to stick her tongue out at people when they said something she didn't like.  She'd make faces.  She would wander.

I have to say it was a blessing she passed before she forgot who we were.  I don't know if I could handle someone I love so dearly having no clue who I am.  It's not like the memories you have with them are lost, it's just so clear you will have no memories like those again.

So today, I am remembering you Gramma.  I am remembering the memories, the laughs, the talks, the time you tried to ride a bike and fell off.  I am remembering delicious salads with green bell peppers.  I am remembering your dirty jokes and Portuguese comments.  Your homemade beans and lemon meringue pie.  The way you used to "cheat" at cards.  The way you used to play catch and baseball with us in the back yard.

It will be 3 years February 19.  You are loved and missed.

Negative Impact

I am really, really, really frustrated and need to get a few things off my chest.

Life is stressing me out.  The things that are beyond my control, and in my future.  Things I can do absolutely nothing about at the moment, I am freaking out over.  And actually the things I can do something about, I've already done something about, but it's not coming around fast enough!

All I've been hearing about in the office the past few months is Health Care.  What kind of impact it is going to have on the company, the employees, their families, and our country.  I'm not offered insurance through my job.  They keep me at 35 hours, (so they don't have to pay for it).  I'm on my own.  It's unbelievable the amount of money that will be coming out of their paychecks to have health insurance for their families.  We got bombarded with phone calls today by employees who are freaking out.  They can't afford the outrageous cost every week.  It's truly sad.

I am hurting for the employees who live on a tight budget as it is.  The ones who won't be able to afford health care for their wives and children.  I am sad for our country.  I'm seeing the hard working class people suffering the most in these economic times.  They've lost jobs, homes, savings, retirement.  And now many of them will have lost their insurance also.

This frightens me for my future.  How will I do it?  I'm just starting out.  People over twice my age are coming out of retirement, because they can't afford to be retired anymore.  I've decided to go back to school, but I still have a few years before I earn a degree.  How will I pay for insurance and living expenses while I go to school full time?  On top of that I will have a huge burden of debt from financial aid.  How will I pay off my debt and still save money to one day own a home?  How will I afford to have children and save for their futures?

I don't know how people do it.  I've asked my mom, and she doesn't know.  I've asked my grandma, and she doesn't know.  I'm not even guaranteed a well paying career when I get a degree.  I am young, but I'm not that young.  I feel like I need to start securing for my future now, because I don't want to be that 69 year old coming out of retirement, because I can't afford my mortgage.

Times are tough, and it's really scary.

Home

I've been thinking a lot about what home is to me. Home isn't just Arroyo Grande. Home is my family in Santa Maria, the ranch in Paso, the townhouse in Salinas. Home is the village, downtown SLO, the Mesa. Home is the Central Coast.

As I ponder over my future and what I want for my life, I've had to consider the fact that I will most likely have to leave home to accomplish those goals. The University of Denver has a Media, Film and Journalism department. Those are 3 of my top interests, hobbies, and loves all rolled into one. I had no idea such a thing existed! The fact that it does has me so eager to learn more, eager to continue my education, see what it's all about, get a degree and do what I love.

There's a saying that goes "Great love and great achievements involve great risk." I would be leaving everything I know, everything that I am, and everyone I have. It would be the biggest risk I have ever taken. The idea alone terrifies me.

I would not get the focus on media and film if I went to Cal Poly. I have no interest in general journalism. I love the fact that my education would be more focused on digital media if I went to Denver. That's what I'm interested in. That's the direction I want to take.

Transferring is in my distant future and not something I need to decide tomorrow, but it is something I need to prepare and plan for. Whether or not it is Denver I choose, I will most likely be leaving my home. There are many positives that can come from such a change, but it doesn't soften the blow (so to speak).

But I know that no matter where I go or what I do, I can always come home. This will always be home.

Patience.

"All the flowers of the tomorrows are in the seeds of today."

I'm a pretty patient person for the most part.  I get a little antsy while waiting in long lines, but who doesn't?    It's the bigger things that I have trouble being patient with, like life things.  I've finally decided to go back to school, but I don't want to wait until the end of January when the semester starts.  I want to go tomorrow.  It's in my head.  I'm pumped about it.  I'm happy with my decision.  I have a goal and am so excited to work towards something big, to be challenged.  Now, let's get this show on the road!

I find it insanely exciting that God already knows who I will marry.  He's out there waiting for me somewhere.  And I'm here, just waiting for him to become a part of my life.  That day needs to get here.  Not because I'm lonely, but because I'm so eager to meet him.  What will he look like?  What will be his career?  What does he do for fun?  Does he live in the area?  Have I already met him?  Have we crossed paths before?  What will his personality be like?  What kind of background does he come from?  I think it's so cool that we will be going along in our everyday lives, until that moment.  The moment where we're supposed to meet.  How can I not be fascinated and eager to find out who this man will be?

One day, I will own my own home.  I will have graduated, gotten married, maybe even have kids.  These are big things I want for my future, that I can't wait to have.  I dream about what life will be like, and find myself getting impatient waiting for them.  But for now, I am content with my life.  I'm happy in my own little world, doing my own little thing, learning all about who I am.  Sometimes, I need to be reminded that today and tomorrow are the building blocks towards my future.  Even though it may seem they are getting me nowhere, in the bigger picture they're leading me to the life I dream about.

Feeling Good.

Today has been a good day.

I'm home alone this week and just that feeling of independence has me feeling good in general.  I've been enjoying waking up alone, turning on the heater, taking a nice warm shower, eating breakfast without any distractions, and getting ready with no conversation or interruptions.  It's peaceful and liberating.  It's responsible and grown up.  It's my own routine.  It's me, myself, and my world.  All mine...if only for one more day.

Work has been busy, and for that I am thankful.  My days are going by faster, and I'm feeling productive.  I've taken over a new project, something I'm very excited to be doing.  But I am feeling a little discouraged because I am so eager to get caught up with it, I just haven't had the time.  I should have time tomorrow and Friday to get some of it done though, and it's not really a pressing issue.  I just like to be on top of things, and the person I'm taking it over from, has not been on top of it!

I went for a short run today with a friend.  We have never ran together before, but it was good.  I think we will keep up on it.  I needed to run today.  I needed that time to clear my head and be outdoors.  My brain was fried by the end of the day, and I really needed that release from the day.

Meeting with the girls every week has become something I really look forward to every week.  I feel so thankful and fortunate to call these ladies my friends.  I feel our friendships growing with every week we meet.  I haven't had good girlfriends in a very long time.  I learn from them.  I admire them.  They are strong.  They are beautiful.  They are amazing.  They are  a part of a change in my life.  They will see me grow and become closer to God.  What  a great experience to share with people I love!

I paid for my classes, my books, and my parking permit.  I am 3 steps closer to my goal.  I am officially in the process of finishing my GE, and it feels good.  That has been in the back of my mind for a long time now, and I'm so glad it's in motion.

Today, I feel content.  Today has been a good day.

Palm Reading.

Last night my friend and I drove down to Pismo Bowl.  On the way as we drove by the Palm Reader, I said "We should do that one day."  She had never done it before and was pretty excited to try it.  I had done it once a long time ago, but I don't really remember anything that was said.  So after bowling, we went and got our palms read.

Not that I believe any of it, but I have to say it is quite interesting how spot on she can be.  She was kinda wrong with one thing in particular she said about my friend and I, but after thinking about it she wasn't so far off after all.  I'm sure she sees a lot in just how you overall present yourself, how you lay your hand out, and how relaxed you are.  My friend and I had 2 totally different styles in our approaches and how are hands were out.  My friend was more straight forward, sitting up and straight palmed.  I was more relaxed, crossed legged, and my hand was more cupped, relaxed than straight.  I think just that said a lot about our personalities.

She didn't say if I was gonna live a long, healthy life.  That is something she said to my friend right away.  She said my friend was going to have one child, a little girl, but didn't mention whether or not I would have children.  Unfortunately, those were things I didn't think to ask until after we left!  She said people come to me for advice.  I always put other people before myself, and I am my last priority.  She said I have a lot of good karma coming my way, but I have to be a little more selfish before I will see it taking effect.  I have to say "enough is enough," because people will walk all over me.  I am too easy going in that way.  I like to have things my way.  I am a hard worker and very driven.  She said I will be successful.

In love, she said 3 and 1/2 years.  I don't know if it's that time that I will meet him, or I will be married.  She said he will be a coworker, or I will somehow meet him through work.  It will be hard to work together, because we will instantly be attracted toward one another.  She said it will start a working relationship, develop into a very good friendship, and eventually become something more.  I thought this was kinda funny, because I had been thinking about the ideal way for me to meet someone.  I'm not one to be set up.  I always find it awkward meeting someone through friends, because the friends always get involved.  I knew I wanted to be friends before anything else, because the whole dating thing I find completely uncomfortable and have been dreading it!  To be honest, I hope she's right about this, because it sounds so much better than the other options!

What she was wrong about was the past relationship.  She said she sees me rekindling it or something.  I said "God, I hope not."  She then asked how long ago it ended, so I told her "About a year and a half ago."  This part, honestly, kinda made me mad.  She said if I was completely over it I would have said "Oh it was a long time ago."  But since I answered so precisely, she said that I may not be completely over it.  I'm sure I gave her a look, because believe me, it's over.  She said that feelings may still be lingering, because I don't feel completely over the relationship yet.  And that I probably wont until someone else comes along.  And that, I do agree with.  As much as I am done with him, I don't feel like all ties are cut off yet.  But I don't think that I can cut those strings until I start seeing someone else.  It's like that relationship is hanging on by a thread, because I haven't found someone else to distract me from it.  But what am I supposed to do?  No one else has come along!  That whole thing is kinda frustrating!

We were able to ask a few questions.  I asked if she sees me finishing school, and she said yes.  (Thank God someone sees that happening in my future)!  She said I will be very successful in my career, and she sees a lot of travel.  I asked if she sees me being successful in my future in the area or if I will be moving out of it.  Before I tell you what she said, let me just say moving has been in the back of my mind for awhile.  I'm not sure I want to go to Cal Poly after Hancock or where.  I really have no idea where else I would go.  My entire family lives in the area.  I think it would be so hard for me to leave.  On the other hand, I feel like it would be good for me to get away.  It's an experience I've always felt I've missed out on.  Anyway, she said that she doesn't see me always living in the area.  She said it will be a decision between me and my soul mate on where we will live.  Interesting...

Whether it's true or not, it was fun to go!  I think we'll even go again next year or something just to see how our readings change.  She sat down with us each for maybe 10 minutes and gave a pretty detailed reading.  I think it was worth the 10 bucks.  If not for the reading, for the time it killed, the conversation we had afterward, and the imaginative ideas and creativity it's sparked in our minds.

Greed.

At times we've all suffered from the terrible feeling of greed. I, more often than I would like to admit, feel greedy. "Sadly, greed is a downward spiral that leads to envy. Envy leads to debt. All lead to discontent." I often justify my "need" for something. I work hard. I deserve it! I had a freakin' tumor at 17. It was a huge setback. In turn, I deserve this! I'm a better person than she is. I deserve it more!

When I got my first credit card, I became in debt quickly. I was depressed. I bought things hoping they would make me feel better. In a short time, I was happy to get something I wanted. Those brief moments of happiness brought me satisfaction, that I wasn't receiving elsewhere in life. Over a period of time, it was a different story. I become more depressed over the bill that came every month, about the big payment I had to make. The little happiness of impulse purchases, became one huge burden. In the big picture, the things I bought didn't make me happy, the debt didn't make me happy. My hope of buying things to make me feel better totally backfired, and I paid for it. Literally.

"When we purchase more than we can afford, we are discontent with what God has given. We no longer trust that God knows best and that He will supply our needs."

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I've never been one to rush things. "It will happen when it's meant to happen," is what I say. But the feeling of greed overcomes me, and I want things to happen now. It's human nature, but it really frustrates me. It makes me angry with myself for losing sight of what is important. That whatever I'm wanting is not yet in my plan. If it's not yet in my plan, then there are obviously more important things in my plan now, that need to be focused on. It's so easy to lose focus.

Of course, it is at this very moment when I have a heavy heart, that it's easier to remember to be content, to remember that my time will also come. That God has a great plan set out for my life, and things will come to me when He feels I am ready. It's not so easy to be content with what I have, when surrounded by those who have what I don't. "It" can be such a wide range of things to. It's not always necessarily of a materialistic value. It can physical, emotional, spiritual, professional, etc.

Jealousy and greed go hand in hand. Whether greed leads to envy, or envy leads to greed, either way it's a bad mix of emotions. How do you suppress the emotions and feel content with what you have?

Timing is Everything.

I love how some things come into your life at the exact time you need to see them, hear them, read them, or live them.

After my post the other day about my discouragement of my diet and exercise routine, I read something that I really need to retain.  I'm currently reading this book called "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillows.  These are a couple excerpts of what I needed to learn:

"Isn't it comforting to know that God knew each of us before He created us?  He planned what each of us would look like, who are parents would be, if and who we would marry, and how many children we would have."

"Perhaps you think other female tapestry is beautiful, but not yours.  'I don't like my nose, my hips, my breasts.  In fact I really don't like much about me.'  All of us could list things we'd like changed about ourselves.  But if we are displeased with our physical form, we're really arguing with God.  He is responsible for the color of our hair and the size of our nose and whether we have cellulite.
  I'm not surprised that so many women struggle over their personal appearance.  The values of our American culture are warped.  We're constantly bombarded with pressure created by the media to have a "prefect" body.  This emphasis is wrong and unbiblical.  As Christian women, we know this perspective is twisted, yet how easy it is to get caught up in the deadly disease of comparison."

I do find it comforting to know God has it all planned out.  He knows best for me.  I know that, but why is it so hard to not question His plan?  There is so much I am thankful for, and perhaps I don't give thanks enough.  It is easier to dwell on the have nots than to dwell on the positives.  I assume that is just human nature.

The phrase "But if we are displeased with our physical form, we're really arguing with God" really struck out to me.  I am arguing with God on so many different levels!  Not only with my physical form, but my emotional state.  I am lonely, confused.  I feel misguided and lost.  I'm unsure of my purpose and plan.  Where is my faith in His plan and His guidance?

I couldn't help but be a little disappointed in myself after realizing my fault.  Who am I to question God? It seems like such a foolish question.  I am no one to question God.  He is God after all!  Yet that doesn't stop me from doing it, often, frequently, daily!

I am built the way God created me.  I am not handicapped in any way.  I am healthy and strong.  I am capable of anything I set my mind to.  I have no setbacks.  I need to stop being so discouraged of everything I am not, because I am so much of everything else!  My body may not be exactly the way that I hoped, but there will always be things I don't like about it.  It's pretty good the way it is.  Be thankful!  My life may not be where I thought I would be at this point of my life, but it's all a part of His plan.  Have more faith!  I may not be sure of where my future is going, but He does.  Instill more trust in Him!



**Thanks Erin for your kind comment.  I <3 you!  By the way, I think you would really like this book!

Thankful.

Lately, I've been in such a piss poor mood.  (I'm not even gonna try and sugar coat it).  I don't know what it is.  I have nothing in particular to be down about.  It just seems like everything is pulling me in that direction.  Even the things that usually bring me joy, lately haven't so much.

We have a vendor that comes to our office every Thursday to pick up his check.  If he's not going to be there, he calls.  This morning the ladies in the office and I were talking about how he didn't come in Thursday or Friday and hadn't called either.  We thought it was really out of his character.  He usually always calls.  We were all just really hoping everything was ok.  He and his brother are some of the nicest people we work with.   We were thinking about calling him later in the day to make sure everything was alright.

About an hour later, he walked into our office.  We kinda teased him "Oh, hey!  Where have you been?  We've been getting worried.  We were about to call to make sure everything's alright."  He got very serious and said "No, not everything is alright.  I had to go to a funeral last week."  We said our apologies.  He continued, "I won't be here this Thursday either.  I have another funeral to go to."  We all looked at each other and sadness overcame us all.  The poor man was trying to hold it together. "Yeah, this one is a sad one.  She was just 20 years old and took her own life.......then about an hour ago, I got a call from my brother.  Our uncle passed away.  He had cancer.  We knew it was coming, but...it's still just so sad."

None of us knew what to say.  He is such a kind man and to see the sadness in his eyes, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him.  He was hurting, and it showed.  Three funerals in two weeks for family members.  I couldn't imagine.  We usually have to tease him him to get him to talk a lot.  We joke with him and make him laugh.  Today, he needed to talk.  He needed to get the hurt off his chest.  He volunteered the information as if saying out loud would make it easier to accept.

Sometimes it takes someone else to remind you of how good you actually have it.  I needed that reminder.  My family and I are healthy.  If you don't have your health, what do you have?  Really, we have it all, and that in itself should make me happy.  Tomorrow is a new day, and that I am thankful for.