Missed Connections.

You guys are going to think I am totally lame, but hear me out.  First, let me start in defense for myself.  I browse Craigslist all the time.  I like to keep in the know of the cost of rent, what's out there to rent, even some of the homes they have posted for sale.  I'm always curious to see what kind of jobs are available.  Maybe I could get a part time job in my free time.  (What free time)??  I like looking at the animals for sale or free to a good home.  I like browsing through the furniture to see what kind of great deal I could get.  My sister got her kitchen table for 100 bucks.  One man's trash is another man's treasure, and I love DIY projects.

The other day I was looking at the CL "home page."  I never really pay much attention to the left side of the page, cause really "personals" kinda creep me out.  But there's a section called "missed connections," that I felt compelled to click on.  What does that even mean?  Missed connections?  So, I clicked it.

It's kinda creepy, kinda heartwarming, kinda sad, kinda hopeful, kinda weird, kinda endearing.  Have you ever checked it out?  I'm assuming not.  People basically post their interest in getting to know someone.  For example:  Saw you at _____ on ____.  You were wearing _____.  We spoke for a few minutes about _____.  I felt there was a connection there.  Did you feel it too?  

There was another that I thought was actually pretty thoughtful.  A guy posted something about a girl who was totally drunk or drugged out (can't remember), that he was concerned about.  He had helped her out of the bar and into a car.  He didn't know who she was and he was basically just concerned that she made it home safely and was...well, alive.

I'm gonna go on the hopeful assumption that not all the people who post those threads are total creepers. In that light, it makes it much more romantic.  Haven't we all had those random run-ins with someone, where you're just kicking yourself later?  It is really hard to meet new people, especially single people.  There aren't a whole lot of options for those looking for love.

Of course some of them are totally inappropriate.  It just makes me feel less alone.  I am surrounded by people who have someone.  It puts my little heart at ease knowing other people are lonely too, that I'm not the last single person in the world (when sometimes it feels like it).  It gives me hope in a time when so much of the world is negative, so much in my life is negative, so much in my head is negative.  It puts a little smile on my face when realizing, we all want to love and be loved in return.

Moving Along.

I far too often worry about life.  I feel like everyone else's lives are moving forward, and mine is at a constant standstill.  Of course looking back I can list multiple changes that have occurred, proving I am moving right along at my own consistent pace.

I guess lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed with a lot of things on my plate.  I think some of it has to do with the stresses of starting a new job.  My hours are a bit longer.  I'm adjusting to a new rate of pay, a new office, a new atmosphere, new work, a new boss, etc.  I'm super excited about this new opportunity, and I really think I'm going to love it.  This change is good.  It's positive.  It's definitely a step in the right direction.

School is going good, but I'm ready for a vacation.  I'm considering taking a class in summer school, but the break really would be nice.  I've got a B in the class, and that's good enough for me.  It's sad to say, I don't really care much about the grade, just as long as I pass.  I just need to make it through getting my AA.  It's going to be a tough battle.  But with each semester that passes, I am that much closer.  It's coming along slowly, but it's coming along.

I'm also currently taking my Hunter's Safety Course online.  It's looming over my head.  I really don't want to do it, but I need to get it done and out of the way...only to have to take my Bow Hunter's Safety Course after that!  Ugh.  My dad signed my mom, sister and I all up for the Hunter's Safety Course when my sister and I were in elementary school.  My sister and mom finished the course then, but I was too little and would fall asleep in class.  Needless to say I never enrolled or completed it, which is way I'm paying for it now!  It's just one more thing to worry about.  It's just more work to do.  I will be so glad when it's done though.  I will never have to do it again!

I haven't been sleeping well at night either.  I think it's all of everything in my mind keeping me up.  It's the mental list I go over in my head.  It's the anticipation of my alarm, so I'm not late to my new job.  It's the pressure of knowing I need rest, because I feel like I'm fighting getting sick.

Even though sometimes it feels like I'm going nowhere, I think I need to look at it in the opposite.  Maybe I'm just going in so many different directions.  I go from a new job, to hunting, to running, to school, and that's only a few things.  That's not even counting all the in between, random, and every day things.  But maybe this was all I need, to get it off my chest.  To lay it out in front of me.  To vent.  

Tomorrow is a new day.  

Language

This week in my psychology class, we are learning about language.  Coincidently, this little video was on some page that I came across.  

I think it's funny.  They are clearly having  conversation with each other.  I love when things come along like this, when they coincide with what I'm learning.  Makes the lesson all the more memorable!

Association.

You know how sometimes you just get the itch to go out and since our little town closes down by 8:00, really the only places to go out are bars?  Well, that's what my sister and I did last night.  She actually kinda likes going to the bars.  She likes the...diversity.  I guess you can call it, among other things.  We didn't stay long at either of the 2 bars we went to, just enough to get a fix and make an appearance.  I mean, we were home by before midnight.

Of course, you are nearly bound to run into at least one person you know.  We ran into some.  It's funny to me, out of the people you haven't seen in awhile, who remembers you and who doesn't.  We ran into 5 guys at one of the bars: 1 we didn't know, 2 were in my sisters grade, 2 were in between our grades.  

I was introduced to the two guys in my sisters grade.  One I remembered well, the other I recognized his face, but couldn't place his name.  One guy in between our grades, I had a crush on in high school.  He said hi to me, and that was pretty much it.  I hate that question, "What have you been up to?"  Working.  What else does anyone do?  And really that's it.  I spend most of my life at work, and I'm not going to go in detail about my personal life.  I'm sure he's only asking to be polite anyway.  Besides, I really didn't  care to catch up with him.  The other guy in between our grades, I know.  We aren't friends.  He's just a friend of a friend.  I don't know that we've ever been formally introduced, but he should definitely know my name kind of thing.

I saw two of the guys whispering out of the corner of my eye, and then I get an "Oh, you dated B." (Or something like that, I can't recall how it was exactly said, but the name was mentioned).  Ugh.  Here it goes.  I hate that comment.  Yes, we dated.  Now, it's over.  I have nothing against the guy.  We dated when I was young and at a completely different place in my life.  He is not someone I would ever date at this time of my life.  It was a long time ago.  I am a not the same person.  I really, don't want to ever be associated with him.

But I know it happens, we were together a long time.  Still, it haunts me.  I kinda turned away from the conversation, because I didn't want to talk about it.  But later the guy gave me a little half hug, so I think he understood I didn't want to go there.  I was kinda glad he felt he knew me well enough to do that.  He should.  I mean, I've actually known the guy for years, just not directly. 

It's hard to say too, what kind of capacity people are in when you're at the bar.  Maybe the person you run into is drunk already, and in that case would have a hard time remembering you.  Maybe, they are the designated driver and would remember you clearly.  Maybe, they really do recognize your face and not your name.  You just never know how or why or even if people will remember you at all.  

Risky Business.

I am not a risk taker. I am really cautious, always playing it safe. I like to know, not guess or be unsure. There's a quote that I often think about.  I'm not even sure who said it, but it goes "If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything." This applies to my life in so many different areas. School - I never decided on a route to take, because no route felt sure. Why couldn't I just choose a path and run with it? See it through, and see where it takes me. Moving out - I'm so afraid to live paycheck to paycheck again. I make enough money, so why don't I just do it? Finances will be tight, but it's doable. God has a way of providing in every way, shape, form, need, whatever. Why am I so afraid to risk, when I know He will catch me if I fall?

I always wait for things to be right, and I don't feel like I've done much of anything in my life. Other people may not see it as that way, but what matters is how I see it. I want great things for my life. Great success involves great risk. I haven't risked anything for success in anything. I know that trying and failing is better than never having tried at all. So why can't I just do it?  Whatever it is.

Trapped.

Maybe it's the negative mood I've been in the past few weeks that has me feeling this way.  I usually try to stay as far away from politics as possible, and I'm hoping to continue that with this post.  But I'm feeling really concerned for my future, in a multitude of ways.

Financially. The cost of goods is rising rapidly, but it's not like anyone is making more money.  The expenses of living are becoming unaffordable.  I've been told I just need to work hard and do my best.  But that's what I have been doing.  All I do is work hard and do my best.  The economy has stumped any growth.  I'm feeling like my best isn't good enough.

I don't see light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it's there, but I don't see it.  They say the economy is turning, but from what I see, people are still losing their jobs, their insurance, their homes, their lives.

I guess in  a way I am lucky, because I don't have much to lose.  I have a family who loves me, cares for me, and will provide for me if need be.  They put a roof over my head and food on the table, and for that I am thankful.  Some people are so much less fortunate.

Still, it leaves me little hope to lead the life I've dreamed of.  I don't see myself owning a home anytime soon.  Even though I am nowhere close to starting a family, the idea of supporting one in times like these scares me.  And I'm going to be 27 this year, it's not my parents job to still support me.  But we almost don't have much of a choice.  I can't afford to move out.  My employer doesn't provide me insurance.  What other options do I have?

I don't know how people do it.  I really don't.  I ask myself and the people I know all the time, and no one seems to have an answer.  They call it "The Great Recession."  I think the effects on my generation, the generation who's just starting out will be long lasting, just like that of The Great Depression.  

But what I fear for in my generation is their lack of work ethic.  Majority seem to want something for nothing.  I know so many living off the government.  I can't say I blame them, when most live better than I do.  Yet I work for a living and don't get the benefits that they do.  It's so unfair.  And yes, I know that life isn't fair, but since when did common sense get thrown out the window?
I'll keep my head up.  I'll continue to work hard.  I will not lose hope in my future.  I may be feeling trapped now, but that will only add fuel to the fire of my determination.

Someone I'm Not.

I may not be totally sure of who I am, but I am sure of many things I'm not.  I think most people change over a course of a lifetime, but there are some of those people who will never change.  I have people in my life who will and won't change.  I'm glad I'm one of those people who will.

Lately I feel like my self-esteem is taking a beating.  I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to other people, but it's hard not to.  Whether I compare myself for being less of what they are or more of what they are, it's still wrong to compare.  So why can't I seem to stop?  There's a couple of people in particular that I can't seem to shake this competitiveness from. One I know for sure looks down upon me.  This person has their nose so far up in the air, that they think they're above everyone.  So why do I take it personally?  The other is a little more subtle.  And even though this person knows the struggles I've been through and how lost I've been and sometimes continue to be in finding my way, still unconsciously puts me down.  If I know it's unintentional, why does it still bother me?

I am not like either of these people.  To be honest, I don't want to be like them.  I may not have what they have.  I may not present myself the way they do.  I may not make as much money or have as nice of things.  I still work hard.  I still try my best.  I know in some ways, I am better than they are.  I am more caring, compassionate, kind, less judgmental, less assertive, more well rounded and down to earth.

So even though I may be jealous of certain aspects of who they are or what they do, I am not like them.

I am content with who I am.  Sometimes I just wish they could see it too.