Association.

You know how sometimes you just get the itch to go out and since our little town closes down by 8:00, really the only places to go out are bars?  Well, that's what my sister and I did last night.  She actually kinda likes going to the bars.  She likes the...diversity.  I guess you can call it, among other things.  We didn't stay long at either of the 2 bars we went to, just enough to get a fix and make an appearance.  I mean, we were home by before midnight.

Of course, you are nearly bound to run into at least one person you know.  We ran into some.  It's funny to me, out of the people you haven't seen in awhile, who remembers you and who doesn't.  We ran into 5 guys at one of the bars: 1 we didn't know, 2 were in my sisters grade, 2 were in between our grades.  

I was introduced to the two guys in my sisters grade.  One I remembered well, the other I recognized his face, but couldn't place his name.  One guy in between our grades, I had a crush on in high school.  He said hi to me, and that was pretty much it.  I hate that question, "What have you been up to?"  Working.  What else does anyone do?  And really that's it.  I spend most of my life at work, and I'm not going to go in detail about my personal life.  I'm sure he's only asking to be polite anyway.  Besides, I really didn't  care to catch up with him.  The other guy in between our grades, I know.  We aren't friends.  He's just a friend of a friend.  I don't know that we've ever been formally introduced, but he should definitely know my name kind of thing.

I saw two of the guys whispering out of the corner of my eye, and then I get an "Oh, you dated B." (Or something like that, I can't recall how it was exactly said, but the name was mentioned).  Ugh.  Here it goes.  I hate that comment.  Yes, we dated.  Now, it's over.  I have nothing against the guy.  We dated when I was young and at a completely different place in my life.  He is not someone I would ever date at this time of my life.  It was a long time ago.  I am a not the same person.  I really, don't want to ever be associated with him.

But I know it happens, we were together a long time.  Still, it haunts me.  I kinda turned away from the conversation, because I didn't want to talk about it.  But later the guy gave me a little half hug, so I think he understood I didn't want to go there.  I was kinda glad he felt he knew me well enough to do that.  He should.  I mean, I've actually known the guy for years, just not directly. 

It's hard to say too, what kind of capacity people are in when you're at the bar.  Maybe the person you run into is drunk already, and in that case would have a hard time remembering you.  Maybe, they are the designated driver and would remember you clearly.  Maybe, they really do recognize your face and not your name.  You just never know how or why or even if people will remember you at all.  

Someone I'm Not.

I may not be totally sure of who I am, but I am sure of many things I'm not.  I think most people change over a course of a lifetime, but there are some of those people who will never change.  I have people in my life who will and won't change.  I'm glad I'm one of those people who will.

Lately I feel like my self-esteem is taking a beating.  I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to other people, but it's hard not to.  Whether I compare myself for being less of what they are or more of what they are, it's still wrong to compare.  So why can't I seem to stop?  There's a couple of people in particular that I can't seem to shake this competitiveness from. One I know for sure looks down upon me.  This person has their nose so far up in the air, that they think they're above everyone.  So why do I take it personally?  The other is a little more subtle.  And even though this person knows the struggles I've been through and how lost I've been and sometimes continue to be in finding my way, still unconsciously puts me down.  If I know it's unintentional, why does it still bother me?

I am not like either of these people.  To be honest, I don't want to be like them.  I may not have what they have.  I may not present myself the way they do.  I may not make as much money or have as nice of things.  I still work hard.  I still try my best.  I know in some ways, I am better than they are.  I am more caring, compassionate, kind, less judgmental, less assertive, more well rounded and down to earth.

So even though I may be jealous of certain aspects of who they are or what they do, I am not like them.

I am content with who I am.  Sometimes I just wish they could see it too.

THAT girl.

You know the one I'm talking about.  The one all the boys seem to drool over.  Yeah, she's kinda pretty, and she's pretty nice.  But you just don't get what the hype is all about.

She's blonde, of course.  Her hair is always perfectly styled and never out of place.  She's got big boobs and wears the low cut shirts to show 'em off.  She's tan with a decent body.  Her nails are always done, and she almost always wears heels.  She wears a lot of make up and dresses like she's ready for any occasion at any time.  She's confident and independent.   She's high maintenance, outgoing and flirty.

I am not this girl.  Obviously.  But you know, I really don't want to be.  We all have that girl we feel inferior to.  And even though she's a lot of things I'm not, I know I am a lot of things she's not.  Better things, at least in my opinion (and really that's all that counts)!

I may be shy, quiet, and unsociable at times.  I may prefer to wear flip flops and t-shirts.  I may not be flirty and outgoing, but I like who I am.  A lot.  It's taken me years to even feel comfortable saying that.  I've come a long way and learned a lot in the process.  I am strong, and I am beautiful - inside and out.

But sometimes I forget that about myself.  Sometimes it takes that girl to remind me of who I am and what I love about who I've become.