Not As Good As I Once Was...

When I started playing softball again, I quickly learned I was not as good as I once was.  How could I not be good at slowpitch, when I was great at fastpitch?  I guess when you take a few years off, don't practice for hours during the week, and play tournaments every weekend, your skills tend to downgrade a bit.  I'm going to admit that I am still good, because hey, it's the truth.  I'm just not as great as I used to be.

I don't learn like I used to either.  It seemed like I could learn anything, and the learning process just seemed to come naturally.  I don't know if it's what I'm learning now, or if I really don't learn things as quickly as I used to.  Whatever it is, I've definitely noticed I just don't learn the way I used to.

I've never really been too concerned with my weight, until about 2 years ago when I got on this healthy lifestyle kick.  I need to lose like 10 pounds.  That is my goal.  For two reasons: one - I've gained some weight, and I want to get back to a comfortable place.  Two:  I need to know I can go it.  I exercise regularly, and I watch what I eat already.  I've been trying to lose weight for a good at least 6 months, and it hasn't happened.  I'm getting super frustrated.  My cousin said to me the other day, "I stopped eating out, and now I only drink half a Coke, and I've lost like a ton of weight."  Umm...that's cool.  I rarely eat out, and when I do I watch my intake, and I never drink soda.  If eating right and exercise are the keys to losing weight, why hasn't it worked for me???  It's made me notice, my body doesn't function the way it used to.  I've already gotten to that point where losing weight is hard.  When did that happen?!!  I'm not even 30!

Growing up and older, I can deal with.  It's not all that bad.  Good things will happen in my future.  What is bad, is realizing I'm not as good as I once was....with a lot of things.  Good thing I know when some skills slowly decline, other skills will rise.  Still, it's a little disappointing.

It Can't Be Me.

Sometimes I feel like all I write about are boys, loneliness, being single, and the fact that I have no "other." I'll warn you...I'm continuing with that today.

There was a good period where I liked being independent.  I liked the time to get to know my parents again.  I liked living at home and saving money.  I liked doing what I want, when I want.  I liked not having to care about someone else's feelings.  I liked having very little responsibility.  I don't have to worry about getting nervous, going on dates, the "Is he going to kiss me or not?" moments.  I don't have to worry about getting dropped off at home with barking dogs, if my parents are up wondering when I'm going to get home, where we would go to be alone and hang out.  There is so much about dating, that I'm glad I'm not.

But there are little things that really make me wonder.  One, is the fact that the ex is still dating the girl he left me for.  How is this possible?  He is NOT a good catch.  I don't even know what I was thinking when I dated him.  How does he have someone and I do not?  I am an AMAZING catch.  Seriously.  People are lucky to know me!  Two, how do high maintenance, ugly, mean, bitchy girls go on dates and get in relationships?  I can't even find one decent guy to look at me longer than 2 seconds.  Three, where do you even meet people?  I joined like 5 different softball teams.  I have an amazing group of friends, who are all married, and only know people who are married and relationships. (It seems like anyway).  I go to the bars.  (Even though they are not my favorite places to.  Some free drinks are better than nothing, even if the guy is buying them for the friend that I'm with).

Still, I think there just comes a point, where you begin to think "It must be me."  But I know it's not.  I know who I am, and what I have to offer.  I know that any guy would be lucky to have me.  I know the value of what I am worth.  I don't come cheap.  I know that.  It's just going to take the right guy.  I know that.  I can't sit around hoping he will come and find me.  I know that.  I've been doing all I can to keep busy, have fun, worry about myself, and just keep my mind off of being lonely.  I know the he will come into my life when the time is right.  I know that he's going to be everything I want and hope for and more.  I know that.

It brings me peace knowing he hasn't found me yet either.  I wonder where he is, what he's doing, and if he ever wonders when he will find me.  There's something romantic about knowing that our worlds will collide when the moment is right.

Church.

     My family never regularly attended church.  Both my parents were raised Catholic, and both had stopped attending regularly when their parents didn't make them go.  When they wanted to get married, a Catholic priest would not marry them, because they didn't attend church and practice their religion regularly.  This really offended my mom and turned her against the Catholic religion.
     As young children, my sister and I were both baptized as Christians.  We would attend church every so often with my aunt, uncle and cousins.  We never really spoke much about religion in my house, and any questions I had I would always talk to my aunt.  In middle school, I started regularly attending a youth group with some friends.  It was more of a social gathering, than something I really did for myself.
     I've always felt I have a good relationship with God.  I never questioned His existence.  I've always prayed throughout my life.  I always knew and continue to know He is looking over me.  For about the past 3 years, I've really started to feel like I need more of Him in my life.  I've never felt comfortable in church, so I've always avoided going.  I think a lot of what I didn't like, was that I didn't understand it.  When I attended as a child, I found it to be boring and to take forever.  Worship kinda made me uncomfortable.  I prefer to be close to God in private.
     When we started going to PBR events, we would go to the church services held in the arena Sunday mornings.  In one small section of this huge arena is a small handful of people worshiping God.  It's become one of my favorite parts of the PBR.  I really love that you feel the presence of God in that big arena.  Being able to sit next to and pray with your favorite bull rider, really makes you feel closer to them as individuals.  It's like you feel the struggles they deal with out on the road, being away from their families, the temptations, and putting their lives on the line.  I would always leave PBR church feeling good, refreshed, content, and optimistic.  It made me realize I need more of church in my life.
     Today, I attended Harvest Church with my sister.  I've been meaning to go for the past few months.  I could just never bring myself to get out of bed Sunday mornings.  I am so glad I did.  I realized that church is what I've been missing.  I think so deeply about everything, so church is actually kind of an emotional place for me to be.  It's an overwhelming feeling of faith, love, and understanding.  To be around people who care so deeply and believe whole-heartedly in Him.  When they raise their hands to Him.  When they sing to Him.  When we pray to Him.  Speak to Him.
     I felt comfortable.  I felt welcomed.  I felt Him in my heart.