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Frustration.

If it is possible for every ounce of who you are to be frustrated, then that's who I've become.  My life totally sucks right now, and I'm about to blow.  I can barely keep myself together anymore.  I take that back.  I can't keep myself together.  I've had 2 melt downs this week.  I'm tired.  I'm grumpy.  I'm mad.  I'm sad.  But above all, I'm frustrated.  Frustrated with work.  Frustrated with family.  Frustrated with the second job I've temporarily picked up.  Frustrated with softball.  (Thank God it's over).  Frustrated with the people I play softball with.  Frustrated because now school has started.  Frustrated that I have very little to no time for me.  Frustrated that I barely have time to run.  Frustrated that when I do have time to run all I want to do is sit.  Sit and watch tv.  Sit and eat a meal.  Sit to just sit, breath, think, relax, cope.  I'm frustrated that my move out date has been moved 5 different times.  Most of all, I'm frustrated that I'm so frustrated.

To make it worse, I'm developing insecurity and body image issues.  Something is definitely going on with me.  I think all my frustration is stemming from a couple of different things and it's just creating this avalanche effect on my life.  And I'm bummed.  Bummed that I'm feeling this way.

So to my very few (but very important) readers, I have a prayer request.  I need Him to help me and guide me through this difficult time.  I need Him to help me make important decisions.  Most importantly, I need Him.  I need to feel Him working in my life.  I need to feel His love.  I need to know that I'm not in this alone.


I haven't blogged in forever, and my first one back is a total bummer, but I needed to get this off my chest.  I don't really want to talk about it, and I needed to write it.  But most of all, I need the prayers.

When Did Being Nice Make Me Desperate?

When did being nice begin as a lead on?  It seems like I can't even talk to a guy anymore without the assumption (on his part) that there is something lying beneath the friendliness.  At what point did I become desperate?  Because that's the way it's making me feel.  Why can't two single people have a conversation without a participant or observer thinking it could be the start of a budding romance?  It's hard enough being single, but worse to feel singled out.

And when did Facebook become a suitable outlet in asking someone out?  Or even text messaging?  If it's not an option to do in person or if there is fear in asking that person face to face, when did it become so hard to pick up the phone?  It's not even like you have to grab the cordless and run away into your room to have some privacy.  It's more like whip out the cell phone from your back pocket and call wherever you are.  I absolutely love technology.  I'm all about the social networking and blogging.  But I guess when it comes to love and dating, I'm a romantic.  I want to be pursued.  I want to be called and seen in person.  I want him to make a little effort.

I feel like I have a big red S for SINGLE written on my forehead.  I run into an old friend, and we catch up.  All of a sudden I feel like I need to make it clear I'm not interested in being anything more, because I'm not sure what he's thinking about our reconnected friendship.  Is it an assumption on my part that he wants something more?  Is it better for me to make it clear right off the bat?  Or should I say nothing and let it run it's course?  I meet a guy that I think could be someone fun to hang out with.  Then he's got to ruin it by saying we should have dinner.  Is this a casual friend dinner or this a lead into "I want this to be something more" dinner?  There's a fine line.

When did being single become so complicated?  I'm not necessarily on the prowl.  I don't think "could he be the one?" with every guy I meet.  I'm just trying to go through life, minding my own business, and hopefully pick someone up along the way.  All these assumptions on other people's parts isn't making this independent soul searching experience any more easy or fun.  Just because I go out to the bar, doesn't mean I'm looking to get picked up.  Maybe I really do just want to have a beer.  Just because I'm friendly, doesn't mean I'm interested.  Maybe I really am just looking for friendship or an acquaintance.  Maybe I'm not looking for anything at all and am just simply trying to make conversation!

I am really starting to feel desperate.  All because why?  Other people are making me feel that way?  Because maybe I am a little lonely and I'm letting them get into my head?  I do feel like a target though.  All my friends have someone.  All my family has someone.  I'm going to be 27, and I'm like the only single person I know.  I'm fine being single, but when did it start becoming so lonely?

Not As Good As I Once Was...

When I started playing softball again, I quickly learned I was not as good as I once was.  How could I not be good at slowpitch, when I was great at fastpitch?  I guess when you take a few years off, don't practice for hours during the week, and play tournaments every weekend, your skills tend to downgrade a bit.  I'm going to admit that I am still good, because hey, it's the truth.  I'm just not as great as I used to be.

I don't learn like I used to either.  It seemed like I could learn anything, and the learning process just seemed to come naturally.  I don't know if it's what I'm learning now, or if I really don't learn things as quickly as I used to.  Whatever it is, I've definitely noticed I just don't learn the way I used to.

I've never really been too concerned with my weight, until about 2 years ago when I got on this healthy lifestyle kick.  I need to lose like 10 pounds.  That is my goal.  For two reasons: one - I've gained some weight, and I want to get back to a comfortable place.  Two:  I need to know I can go it.  I exercise regularly, and I watch what I eat already.  I've been trying to lose weight for a good at least 6 months, and it hasn't happened.  I'm getting super frustrated.  My cousin said to me the other day, "I stopped eating out, and now I only drink half a Coke, and I've lost like a ton of weight."  Umm...that's cool.  I rarely eat out, and when I do I watch my intake, and I never drink soda.  If eating right and exercise are the keys to losing weight, why hasn't it worked for me???  It's made me notice, my body doesn't function the way it used to.  I've already gotten to that point where losing weight is hard.  When did that happen?!!  I'm not even 30!

Growing up and older, I can deal with.  It's not all that bad.  Good things will happen in my future.  What is bad, is realizing I'm not as good as I once was....with a lot of things.  Good thing I know when some skills slowly decline, other skills will rise.  Still, it's a little disappointing.

It Can't Be Me.

Sometimes I feel like all I write about are boys, loneliness, being single, and the fact that I have no "other." I'll warn you...I'm continuing with that today.

There was a good period where I liked being independent.  I liked the time to get to know my parents again.  I liked living at home and saving money.  I liked doing what I want, when I want.  I liked not having to care about someone else's feelings.  I liked having very little responsibility.  I don't have to worry about getting nervous, going on dates, the "Is he going to kiss me or not?" moments.  I don't have to worry about getting dropped off at home with barking dogs, if my parents are up wondering when I'm going to get home, where we would go to be alone and hang out.  There is so much about dating, that I'm glad I'm not.

But there are little things that really make me wonder.  One, is the fact that the ex is still dating the girl he left me for.  How is this possible?  He is NOT a good catch.  I don't even know what I was thinking when I dated him.  How does he have someone and I do not?  I am an AMAZING catch.  Seriously.  People are lucky to know me!  Two, how do high maintenance, ugly, mean, bitchy girls go on dates and get in relationships?  I can't even find one decent guy to look at me longer than 2 seconds.  Three, where do you even meet people?  I joined like 5 different softball teams.  I have an amazing group of friends, who are all married, and only know people who are married and relationships. (It seems like anyway).  I go to the bars.  (Even though they are not my favorite places to.  Some free drinks are better than nothing, even if the guy is buying them for the friend that I'm with).

Still, I think there just comes a point, where you begin to think "It must be me."  But I know it's not.  I know who I am, and what I have to offer.  I know that any guy would be lucky to have me.  I know the value of what I am worth.  I don't come cheap.  I know that.  It's just going to take the right guy.  I know that.  I can't sit around hoping he will come and find me.  I know that.  I've been doing all I can to keep busy, have fun, worry about myself, and just keep my mind off of being lonely.  I know the he will come into my life when the time is right.  I know that he's going to be everything I want and hope for and more.  I know that.

It brings me peace knowing he hasn't found me yet either.  I wonder where he is, what he's doing, and if he ever wonders when he will find me.  There's something romantic about knowing that our worlds will collide when the moment is right.

Church.

     My family never regularly attended church.  Both my parents were raised Catholic, and both had stopped attending regularly when their parents didn't make them go.  When they wanted to get married, a Catholic priest would not marry them, because they didn't attend church and practice their religion regularly.  This really offended my mom and turned her against the Catholic religion.
     As young children, my sister and I were both baptized as Christians.  We would attend church every so often with my aunt, uncle and cousins.  We never really spoke much about religion in my house, and any questions I had I would always talk to my aunt.  In middle school, I started regularly attending a youth group with some friends.  It was more of a social gathering, than something I really did for myself.
     I've always felt I have a good relationship with God.  I never questioned His existence.  I've always prayed throughout my life.  I always knew and continue to know He is looking over me.  For about the past 3 years, I've really started to feel like I need more of Him in my life.  I've never felt comfortable in church, so I've always avoided going.  I think a lot of what I didn't like, was that I didn't understand it.  When I attended as a child, I found it to be boring and to take forever.  Worship kinda made me uncomfortable.  I prefer to be close to God in private.
     When we started going to PBR events, we would go to the church services held in the arena Sunday mornings.  In one small section of this huge arena is a small handful of people worshiping God.  It's become one of my favorite parts of the PBR.  I really love that you feel the presence of God in that big arena.  Being able to sit next to and pray with your favorite bull rider, really makes you feel closer to them as individuals.  It's like you feel the struggles they deal with out on the road, being away from their families, the temptations, and putting their lives on the line.  I would always leave PBR church feeling good, refreshed, content, and optimistic.  It made me realize I need more of church in my life.
     Today, I attended Harvest Church with my sister.  I've been meaning to go for the past few months.  I could just never bring myself to get out of bed Sunday mornings.  I am so glad I did.  I realized that church is what I've been missing.  I think so deeply about everything, so church is actually kind of an emotional place for me to be.  It's an overwhelming feeling of faith, love, and understanding.  To be around people who care so deeply and believe whole-heartedly in Him.  When they raise their hands to Him.  When they sing to Him.  When we pray to Him.  Speak to Him.
     I felt comfortable.  I felt welcomed.  I felt Him in my heart.

Missed Connections.

You guys are going to think I am totally lame, but hear me out.  First, let me start in defense for myself.  I browse Craigslist all the time.  I like to keep in the know of the cost of rent, what's out there to rent, even some of the homes they have posted for sale.  I'm always curious to see what kind of jobs are available.  Maybe I could get a part time job in my free time.  (What free time)??  I like looking at the animals for sale or free to a good home.  I like browsing through the furniture to see what kind of great deal I could get.  My sister got her kitchen table for 100 bucks.  One man's trash is another man's treasure, and I love DIY projects.

The other day I was looking at the CL "home page."  I never really pay much attention to the left side of the page, cause really "personals" kinda creep me out.  But there's a section called "missed connections," that I felt compelled to click on.  What does that even mean?  Missed connections?  So, I clicked it.

It's kinda creepy, kinda heartwarming, kinda sad, kinda hopeful, kinda weird, kinda endearing.  Have you ever checked it out?  I'm assuming not.  People basically post their interest in getting to know someone.  For example:  Saw you at _____ on ____.  You were wearing _____.  We spoke for a few minutes about _____.  I felt there was a connection there.  Did you feel it too?  

There was another that I thought was actually pretty thoughtful.  A guy posted something about a girl who was totally drunk or drugged out (can't remember), that he was concerned about.  He had helped her out of the bar and into a car.  He didn't know who she was and he was basically just concerned that she made it home safely and was...well, alive.

I'm gonna go on the hopeful assumption that not all the people who post those threads are total creepers. In that light, it makes it much more romantic.  Haven't we all had those random run-ins with someone, where you're just kicking yourself later?  It is really hard to meet new people, especially single people.  There aren't a whole lot of options for those looking for love.

Of course some of them are totally inappropriate.  It just makes me feel less alone.  I am surrounded by people who have someone.  It puts my little heart at ease knowing other people are lonely too, that I'm not the last single person in the world (when sometimes it feels like it).  It gives me hope in a time when so much of the world is negative, so much in my life is negative, so much in my head is negative.  It puts a little smile on my face when realizing, we all want to love and be loved in return.